One Year Ago

One year ago a family friend helped change my life forever.  I no longer wanted to be THAT person.  I wanted to live life and enjoy it.  I wanted to get off my lazy ass and be with my family.  I wanted the energy so that when my kids wanted to run around and play I didn't say "Mommy is tired" or "Mommy doesn't feel good".  Seeing the disappointment in their faces and hearing their sighs......that is something I never want to go back to.

In my journey I have had my ups and downs....My weight has still fluctuated and even after the holidays I haven't gotten back into that groove.  I am working on it but just haven't gotten there yet.  The way the old me felt....I don't wish that on anyone....EVER!  No one should ever go through life feeling the way I did.

I felt like I didn't matter.  I felt like I wasn't a priority and that I wasn't important.  I felt worthless.  I felt ugly.  I felt fat.  I was itching in the skin I was wearing and somewhere deep down in me I still had a voice telling me I could do it if I wanted to.  There isn't a moment that goes by that I don't FEAR going back to that old "Me".  I am petrified.  I have seen friends and family struggle....do well and go back.  Maintaining is what I fear.  It is my own fault for not sticking with my healthy eating.  These feelings of self loathing weren't caused by anyone other than my inner feelings about myself...but as my health got better, so did my attitude.

It isn't just about me now though.  I need to get my family healthy.  This yearly journey I have lost 24 lbs and as of today have only lost under 20 total.  I have been changing things up and started seeing an amazing trainer who has really been pushing me and giving me different things to try fitness wise.  I notice I am slimming down so I am praying it's muscle I am building.  STILL my eating needs reigned in a bit.

I have learned so much in a year and have made such amazing life long friends and connections as well as growing closer with those around me.

To my Mom and Dad....thank you!  Your motivation means the world to me and your support has been incredible.  All of your advice Mom has been so amazing and I am so blessed to have you in my life....FOREVER ;)

To my husband Ryan....you have allowed me to take time for ME and focus on ME.  I love you so much and it grows stronger everyday.  You truly are my rock and support and I wouldn't be able to do this without you backing me up 100% (even if you do ice cream runs sometimes) You have motivated me and even when I was at my lowest you always made me feel beautiful and loved.  You truly are my soul mate and you are stuck with me babe <3

To my children....your existence has motivated me to become a healthier Mommy so that I can be here and stay strong through whatever life throws at me.  I want to be there through your milestones and see your children grow one day.  You are the reason Mommy changed....to be around....to be your Mommy!

To Yurisa...Our friendship has pulled me through some dark times and motivated me through the bright times.  You have helped me gain confidence in other ways to help me in my journey.  Your shoulder to cry on and your ears for listening have saved me more than you know.  I am so blessed that you are a part of my life even though I wish it would have been sooner than it was.  You are an amazing and strong woman and your friendship to me words cannot describe how much it means to me.  BFBFL <3

To Eva....having your friendship and support has been priceless!  You keep me in line and motivate me with your own journey.  No matter what the future holds I do hope that our friendship stays true and strong.  Thank you for everything.

To Sarah....Your recommendation of couch to 5k is what got me going and all of your fitness and food support has been amazing.  Thank you for taking the time to spend guiding me and helping me through this journey.  I feel like I harass you so much but you are so kind and thoughtful and amazing.  You were with me the first time I ran 3.1 miles at home and I will never forget it!

To my trainer Tommy....Not that you will read this...maybe you will.  I know our time together has been short, but your confidence in me and the ability to know how I function has been so helpful...here is to many more weeks of training and changes!

To my barefoot shuffling friend, Karen....I know you are always there for me to get me off my butt and out on the road!  Thanks for keeping me motivated!

To Joyce....You truly helped me realize that this was what I needed to do.  I am so thankful!  Because of what happened, you truly saved my life!  I am forever grateful and blessed that you helped me realize what I was doing to myself and helped me start my journey.

I know I am forgetting people.....to all of my friends to read this or share it or just listen to me vent...thank you!  When I hear someone say "You motivated me" I still can't believe I could do that for someone but I am so blessed that I am able to help others through my journey as others have helped me.

Happy 1 year of a changed lifestyle and here is to at least 40 more ;)

Milestones:
Lost 20lbs
Ran my first 5k 9/15/13 in 35:17
Ran my second 5k 10/13/13 in 35:13

Will be running my first 10k May 18th!!

 BEFORE     203 lbs

NOW   183 lbs

~ <3 ~
Me

Feeling Like A Failure

I feel this way more lately than I should.  I haven't been running....I haven't been OVER eating....just eating junk.  I feel like this sign is just flashing in front of my eyes lately.  I could list my excuses and reasons.  Thanksgiving hit, my knee hurt....I wish I would have realized I just needed new shoes.  I wish I would have done better with my eating during the holidays....so many regrets.

I started my 5k-10k app and was doing well.  HOWEVER.....my trainer has been less than helpful.  I get a decent work out on my training day, but then I am SO SORE the rest of the weekend that I feel useless.  SO, I have decided to look into another alternative.  A patient of mine recommended a friend of hers.  He went to college specifically for personal training.  Weight and diet management.  I spoke with him on the phone and just felt such a strong draw to use him as part of my training.

I go this wednesday morning and I am really excited about it.  Nervous, yet excited.

The reason for this blog post was an email that FREAKED me out!  I have only 10 weeks until my first 10k!  Holy crap!  10 weeks!?  Seriously!?  I am in full anxiety and panic mode here my friends!  Seriously 10 weeks and I can barely run 5 miles!

I guess I am just in a depressed funk tonight and I can't shake it.  I have the rest of my goal weight to get to and I just feel so lost and so confused.  I feel like it's impossible!  I am in serious need of anxiety medication tonight....and no I don't have any but I wish I did.  My mind is racing and I feel so panicky!  

Yes, I have my moments, and I am having such a hard time tonight.  Thanks for reading and I am in need of major support my friends!  I need a lot of support and encouragement and a cheering section right now! 

~ <3 ~

Me

6 Pounds Heavier

So, in the process of the holidays along with injuring my knee, I gained 6lbs.  To be honest I really thought it was more than that. I looked in the mirror and felt fat. I saw fat. My jeans weren't loose anymore. They were tight around my stomach and my hips. I was feeling tired and depressed again and didn't want to do much of anything.

I don't know what got me re-motivated. I kept up with a once a week karate workout and then maybe I'd run a few miles once a week. I had decided to cancel my gym membership and submitted my letter. I stepped on the scale and saw that 6lbs and I cried.  This was maybe 3-4 days after I cancelled my membership. I called them up and the nice woman on the phone said she could stop the cancellation. I was so relieved. I guess that 6lbs pissed me off enough to get me moving. 

A friend of mine got ahold of me and said she was doing a big 10k this summer and asked me to join her. I signed up immediately. So I dusted off the apps on my phone and got my 5k-10k app up and going. I started it on a Friday and finished my first week Wednesday and Friday. I started week 2 today. I have been a little tired because my body hasn't been used to all of the extra activity. But I've been feeling amazing!

As a side note, I have dropped 5 of those lbs so far!  I can't believe it but it has happened. I've been trying so hard to watch what I eat. I do need to get more protein in my diet to help since I started incorporating some strength training. 

I ran 3.17 miles Friday morning. That was the first time I've ran that far since before thanksgiving. It felt amazing and I was so glad I did it. Today per my training app, my pace was just a few seconds over 12:00/mile. I'm getting back down to where I was thank goodness. I was at 11:30/mile so hopefully I can even improve on that time. 

Well, off to make an egg sandwich for lunch. Thanks for reading!

Remember that we all have our moments in time where we back slide or let things go. But you can always get back to it and keep achieving your goal!

~ <3 ~

Me

Dusting Off and Starting Fresh!

Wow.....has it really been THAT long since my last blog post?  Has it really been THAT long since I have gone running?

YUP!!!

We have had some random nice days, but nothing consistent.  We had a CRAZY deep freeze last week and, well, that wasn't going to allow me any outdoor time.  SO, today the sun was shining and the wind was decent.  I ate my lunch at work and decided to do a quick run before my afternoon began.

I ran 0.8 miles and it felt AMAZING!  I think it was just what I needed.  I plan on going to the gym after work tomorrow and running 2 or 3 miles then hitting up the elliptical for the final few to get 5 miles.  I miss it.

My heart is aching from not running.  When I have a moment to sprint across a parking lot, it is the

most amazing feeling ever.  It brings back all that enjoyment and feeling of success and victory.

Surprisingly enough, I have maintained my weight since the whole "knee issue" before Thanksgiving.  I actually lost 0.8lbs which shocked me.  I start back at karate group class tomorrow night which I am super excited about.  I miss it.  The last class I went to my Dad KILLED us!  I literally couldn't sit down on the toilet without using my arms to brace myself for 3 days!  Lunges but they make your butt look nice and perky LOL

Another lady at work got herself a Fitbit and ALL HELL has broken loose! She is the ultimate competitor and has put my fitness friend Eva and I to the test.  Because I have basically given up on my lifestyle lately, I have been able to watch those two go at it!  It is awesome to have competition though because it makes you become more active and strive to be better every day.

Now THIS poor little guy right here represents my eating in every way possible.  I guess I feel like I am eating everything in site with no control at all like I was doing before.  Before my sabbatical I would have a HARD time hitting my calorie goal.  These days I just eat, and eat, and eat, and eat, and.....well, you get the point.

I don't know why, but I am a snacker.  If I can just find something to eat I will eat it and still feel hungry.  UUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH it is so frustrating!  I seriously may go insane, but I am hoping my burst of healthy energy starts my life back up because I wanted to be at my goal weight within a year.  I know that that is a pretty high goal, but it was what I thought was possible.

Maybe it still is, but I have one heck of a long road to travel before I reach the end and begin my maintenance journey.  I am sorry to you all that I haven't been around, and I really should get back with it. 

I feel it already.  I am starting to feel more tired.  I am not as energetic and happy.  I am feeling a little depression coming on.  I NEED THIS!  I need my exercise and running as my prescription for a happy life.  Fitness is my antidepressant and I miss my natural drug so much! 

I AM getting back in the swing of it.  I WILL continue to my goal.  I WILL DO IT!  Plus, all of you are watching me and if I don't do it......boy will I feel silly right????

I hope some of you stuck around to read this, and I am sorry, but this goes to show how easy it is to fall off the wagon, and how hard it is to get back on!  We can do this!!!

~ <3 ~
Me

Running On E!

I am just not feeling it.  My lack of fitness from my knee bruising has really pushed me to the edge.  I've gone so far downhill I have fallen off the bus and I can't catch back up.  I really want to try an elliptical tomorrow at the gym, but I am petrified!  I honestly LOVE running and it makes me so sad that I can't do that!

My plan is to go to my Dad's group karate class.  I want to try and get back into it.  I use a lot of my own body weight with push ups and crunches.  I just hope my knee holds up!  Heck after the crazy week we have had at home I hope I remember to go!  But I really want to!

Thursday starts the Holiday Streak and I HAVE to stick with it whether I can or not.  If I can't run, I will walk.  If I can't walk, I do weights.  I have a game plan! 

My game plan now is to sleep ;)  Nighty Night my friends!

~ <3 ~
Me

Where oh where has the new me gone?

Oh where oh where could she be!?!?!?!?

Because she has run away and left me here all alone and lost and confused!  COME BAAAAAAAACK!!  Something snapped in me last week and the old lazy fat me made a surprise visit and now she has overstayed her lazy ass welcome.  GO HOME!  Why can't I shake this funk?? 

Part of it could be the winter weather than came and slapped us all in the face.  It got cold...freaking cold!  All I want to do is lay under a blanket and hibernate.  The thing is.....I am not the only one!  Many of my internet supporters and friends are having the same issue!  Last week I ate SO awful....it disgusts me!  I only ran one day :(

Help!  I just need help!  I have been doing so well for the past almost 6 months....I can't fail now!!!

~ <3 ~
Me

Getting Out of A Funk....

A little NSV (Non Scale Victory) from this past weekend!  As the days are becoming colder, I am digging out the warmer clothing.  This shirt I have on used to be so tight I couldn't even stand to have it on.  This year it is becoming "tent-like".  When I say that I mean that they fit to my boobs and literally TENT OUT.  So many of my shirts actually make me look heavier than I really am!

Again, I am not complaining, but I am still wondering what I am going to wear this winter!  My new jeans that are 2 sizes smaller than I used to be are starting to sag off my flattened butt!  Yes, I said flattened.  I don't want a Kardashian butt by any means, but some shape would be nice! :) 

My goal is to start weights.....it scares me because I don't want to lose the momentum I have had going.  Actually I am petrified.  You know me and new things ;)  BUT, I have to do it!  I am almost to that half way point of weight loss and I feel like it's slowing down.  It's partially my fault because I really have been a lazy ass for the past week.  Like REALLY lazy!  It's like the old Me has abducted....well, the new Me!  I want ME back!!!

My eating has been awful, my step counts have been awful.  No exercise.  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!?  I understand I will stumble and go backwards in my progress at times, but this is ridiculous!  I feel sluggish and tired.  I am running tomorrow morning and I am dreading it.  I know once I get moving and once I am done I will feel amazing!!!  It is just squashing that inner old me and telling her to butt the hell out of my life and never come back!

Grrrrr she makes me angry.  SO angry!  Why can't that part of me just die already!?  Leave me alone and let me live my new life.  I really need to figure out why I give in so easily.  Sorry.  This post is turning into this raging depressing read.  I apologize.  I just needed to vent.

I will post again tomorrow after my run and let you all know how it goes!

~ <3 ~
Me

Looking Back.....

This picture won't make sense in the beginning of this post, but somewhere near the middle it should all come together.

So I was talking with a friend of mine today.  She really has been there with me when I was at my lowest point in my life.  But let's rewind for a moment!

I was always a decently happy kid.  Tried to stay positive, always saw the good in everyone and everything.  I tried to anyways :)  I wasn't the most popular kid in school but I wasn't the dorkiest kid either.  I just stayed in the middle and that was ok with me.  People knew who I was but didn't know much about me except for my friends.  I went to college (a local community college) while all of my friends went away to school and enjoyed that "college experience".  I tried to visit when I could. 

I dated guys that were all wrong for me and it affected my schooling.  I met my husband and it all just came together!  It was so easy!  He helped me study and in his words "I graduated from Dental Hygiene school too!"  He did learn a lot with helping me :)

Right out of school I got a part time job at an amazing office.  My Boss was like a friend and family.  I got engaged and decided I needed a full time job if we wanted a house so that I could contribute.  It broke my heart to leave but I had to do it for my FUTURE family!  So I got a full time job quickly and was there through getting married and giving birth to our daughter.  I was 5 months pregnant with our son when my Boss told me he had sold his office to another Dentist.  Hormones probably affected my response MORE than my brain, but I was devastated.  The new Boss and I were not on the same page with many things and I had made up my mind that during my maternity leave I would find another job.

Not soon after that a Doctor hired me, 7 months pregnant, to work at his office.  I was there 3 months before our son was born and it was AMAZING!  I loved the people I worked with and I loved my boss and the environment I was working in!  I came back from maternity leave and THIS my friends is when I can honestly tell you I went a little crazy! (insert crazy smiley face from above)

It was different.  My Boss was different.  I wouldn't get home until 6:30pm on a night I should be home by 5:15pm!  I would get home at 9:00pm on a night I should be home by 7!  I worked there a year with this life and it RUINED me!  I missed dinner every night for a year.  I missed milestones with my children and husband for a year.  I lost out on my LIFE for a year.  I decided to start seeing someone to talk to....maybe it would help?  It did a little, but not enough to change how awful I was feeling.

I didn't want to do anything.  I sat on the couch online all the time, or watched TV all night.  I was there physically, but mentally I had checked out.  I was surrounded by an amazing family, my incredible children, and my supportive and loving husband, but I still felt so alone!  I started going out with friends and staying out until 2-3 in the morning.  It had to stop!  I told myself "You are 30 years old!  Grow up and deal with your shit!".  I was making poor decisions and looking back I am ashamed, but you can't change the past!  You can only learn from it!

I had an amazing job opportunity come up.  Closer to home, great hours, a little less $ hourly but I'd be home more.  I took it and despite my Boss trying to tell me what a rude awakening I'd have going over to this new office, I felt amazing about my decision.  I started my new job (just after breaking my ankle).  My first day working there was it's own therapy.  I came home EARLY!  Our daughter immediately said, as I walked through the door, "Mommy is home for dinner??".  That alone made me know I had made the right decision.

I love my job!  Every place of employment has their ups and downs, and sure some days I go home and think "Why can't I be a lady of leisure?"  But 99.9% of the time I feel like I am "Home".  My fellow employees are amazing and we may have our moments with each other, but when you have 10 women in an office together.....if there ISN'T drama I would be surprised!  My Boss is incredibly supportive and encourages that Family comes before Work.  That is what sold me on taking the job in the first place :)

So, I had been there and all of a sudden I had a falling out with a friend over.....you guessed it....DRAMA!  This friend was with me while I was doing my partying til 2am.  It was shortly after I started my Couch to 5k program.  I thought we had a good friendship but apparently I was wrong.  It is amazing how quickly things can become ugly and hateful in such a short period of time.  Nothing like that had ever happened to me before...I was honestly shocked.  Things were said and things were done to me that will never be forgotten.  It isn't worth the time mentioning it because it's over and done with.  But this would be a HUGE turning point in my "recovery".

The new job helped get me out of my depression.  I say depression because looking back, I know that's what it was.  Losing the negative energy in my life was the final step.  I was looking at what was most important.  Being around and being healthy for my kids, husband and family.  Also, just to ENJOY LIFE!!! 

I look at life in a whole new way now!  With more energy and more appreciation!  Coming back to the beginning of my post.  My best friend and I got to chat today.  Doesn't seem like a big deal, but she recently moved to another country, so the time difference can be tricky, but we make due.  She always is there for me literally through thick and thin (did you catch my weight joke?).  When I was at my lowest point in my life, she stuck by me and was there for me 24/7.  It's just comforting to know through all the chaos that she was always there and didn't run :)  I am also thankful my husband doesn't mind me take the time to connect with her.  We always joke that I am having an affair because every time I am on the phone or texting it is probably her :)

So, after the lowest of lows....I survived.  I turned things around and am always striving for a better life with my amazingly supportive husband, our incredible kids, and my wonderfully supportive family and friends. 

I couldn't imagine what my Mom was going through as she watched me slowly fall away.  She stuck with me and was and always is so supportive.  It has to be hard watching your child spiral out of control and not be able to do anything to help.  So, thank you Mom!  I can say I am doing AWESOME!!! 

Thank you to my husband.  Because of my issues, he was left with practically being a single parent because I had checked out and didn't do ANYTHING.  Words cannot describe the deep love I have for you that will be with me until we are old and grey :).  You are an amazing husband and an even more incredible father.

Thank you to all of you for reading!  I don't know why I felt the need to post this, but I did!  Don't ever be scared to ask for help or to change your life for the better....no matter the circumstances.  If it improves your life and the lives of those around you, it is a great decision!!

~ <3 ~
Me

Why so much anxiety?

I don't know why new situations give me anxiety. I really do have a problem Ha Ha Ha. I am trying to get on my winter schedule of running on my half days of work and on the weekends. It's easier to get to the gym when I'm at work. It's closer. Plus since it gets dark so early, my days of running after the kids are in bed are numbered. No, I am not comfortable running in the dark. No I won't use a light to help. It just freaks me out and I'm uncomfortable alone.....in the streets....at night!

So my plan is to start hitting up the gym if it isn't nice during the day. My anxiety is at its highest level because I'm petrified to run on a treadmill. What if I hate it?  What if it makes me hate running?  I am freaking out over something so small and insignificant but to me it's big!  Today it's supposed to be nice out so I plan on running outside today. 

I have my next 5k coming up!!  It's in just two weeks and YES I'm freaking out!!!  The pressure is on to do as well or better than the one I ran a fee weeks ago. I can't wait for it because my Mom is running with me this time!!  Yay!!!!  Still nervous though. 

I haven't been running since last Thursday. The scale is showing it :(   I have GOT to get my butt in gear!  No going backwards!  Only forwards!  Just keep swimming right? :)

Feeling "Bleh" Today

Some days I realize I need to vent and writing on here really helps scare the blues away.  Today is one of those days.  It's gloomy outside with the impending rain (which we need) and I start later at work today.  I am up and about trying to clean the house and do laundry.  I am just not feeling it today!

I am very nervous about my upcoming 5k on Sunday.  I am excited to get to the finish line but I am still nervous.  I clam up and freak out around large groups of people and unfamiliar situations.  I am thankful that a friend will be near me.  He convinced me to do the race!  Still, I am nervous.  I really want to do well on time but I don't want that to be going through my mind while I am running.  In reality I just want to finish the race without feeling like death :)

Yesterday at work was a bit awkward.  There was a small situation with someone there.  I don't like confrontation and enjoy living in my happy bubble where there is no hate....only fluffy clouds and unicorns!  It really rattled my bones.  I don't know why I let stuff stay with me and bother me.  Our office consultant once said "I don't make you feel a certain way.  It is how you make YOURSELF feel when you interpret it".  That is so true!

I really take things personally.  I may not show it when it happens but it sticks with me for quite awhile.  It could be a little jab at me or something to poke fun.  I will laugh and make my quick come back, but unfortunately, I am still sensitive.  I feel like I always had a high self esteem to keep myself up when maybe I didn't have the friends in school, or when I did get picked on.  As an adult.....it's EXHAUSTING!  People tell me I need to speak up and say my mind and when things hurt or bother me to say something.  I am trying.....still growing.....still learning.

My problem is I have such an open heart.  I take everyone in and when something happens to crush that "perfect" thought I am devastated!  So anywho, yesterday at work really rattled me.  My boss is amazing and supported me which I am so thankful for!  He really is an amazing boss....I am very lucky to have landed where I am today.  So, why am I still letting it bother me?  Who knows...I hate it.  I need to pray or meditate or something.  As I get older my anxiety is getting worse.

On the days that I run,  I feel amazing.....maybe I need to start running everyday?  It's my own personal antidepressant/anti-anxiety treatment!  A doctor I USED to see (notice the past tense) tried to put me on an antidepressant for my anxiety and I was a ZOMBIE for at least a month.  I took myself off of it when I realized I was falling asleep in the middle of the floor while I was playing with my kids.  I have to admit that my job then was emotionally and physically draining (mainly due to the boss I had).  Once I found another job that helped 300% and then my running has really given me an outlet.  My Dad keeps telling me to come back to Karate.  I miss it....the physical contact of hitting shit really made me feel great.  I was really involved in high school and it helped me stay fit, flexible, and strong!

I really don't know where this entry is going.  But I figured if I type it out and put it out there....I'll feel better for venting and my readers always offer great support.  I have been reading blogs out there and it is amazing seeing other peoples journeys through their weight loss and healthy living.  So inspiring.  One that resonated was a recent post HERE about how people judge others who are overweight and how they feel about it.  Such an amazing perspective.  I am guilty of it too.  Trying to put on a happy face when inside you are screaming....read up.  It is amazing!

Ok, so don't be worried about me from this post.  I am FINE.  I just needed to vent.  My husband gets an earful of my venting and I figured he needed a break ;)

As a side note, it was freaking HOT yesterday and I decided to go running at 1:30pm....yeah not so smart.  I walked a lot because I started getting chills around my lips and up my spine.  Always freaks me out when it's super hot out and while I am a sweaty mess I start shaking because I am cold....NOT good!  I tried to re run my wk2 day 2 in my 5k-10k app and failed at beating my previous time.  I wasn't surprised just because of the weather conditions.  But I did it until the end and then went further to make sure I finished that 3.1 mi!!!  I run tomorrow again....I may go today.  Just for a mile as a time check to help with my time for Sunday......AHHHH SUNDAY!!!  :)


My Fitbit is great.  The woman at work and I were hard core competing and I gave up.  She always beats me in steps.  But when I run my 3mi I try to burn more calories rather than look at the steps I have.  It always makes me smile when I do hit my 10,000/day though!  I feel like I accomplished something!  Here is a screen shot of my day yesterday.

Pretty good I think!  My best day was like 15,000 something.  That was a day I ran AND cut the grass :)  I felt amazing that day.  SUPER exhausted the next day but still great :)  Can't wait to see how I do today!

Well, enough procrastinating.  I have GOT to get some stuff done today!!  Have an amazing day everyone and thanks so much for letting me vent!  I feel so much better :)

~ <3 ~
Me

My Addiction To Food

I would be lying if I said I wasn't thinking about eating a doughnut until I saw this picture......YUUUUM!

So I have said it before and I will say it again.  I think food is the DEBIL and yet I can't live without it.  It isn't even that I love ALL food....just the ones that aren't good for me.  If it is near me, I will eat it.  I will take a bite which leads me to come back later for another bite, then another.  I end up eating half of what is there, but make sure I time my snacking so no one sees me and no one would know it was ME who ate it all.

Since I have started my journey in May, I have REALLY been keeping track of my eating on My Fitness Pal .  I keep my diary open so EVERYONE can see it.  For some reason it helps with my guilt factor.  Meaning if I eat awful, everyone will see it and judge me and persecute me to no end about my awful horrible choices.  They aren't mean at all and everyone is so supportive, so that has helped me a ton.

Growing up, my Mom always made amazing dinners.  Casseroles, home made spaghetti, chicken, pork chops.  We were never allowed sugary cereals.  It was Cheerios, Rice Krispies, Kix, or Rice Chex.  She is an A-MA-ZING cook.  As far back as I can remember I was always a picky eater.  My Mom and Dad would make me sit at the table until I at least ate ONE BITE!  Just one!  I was so dramatic. 

I hate the taste of chicken, pork, steaks.....I HATE it!  I won't eat chicken unless it is in a wrap or a bun (cut in super tiny pieces).  I refuse to eat steak or pork chops.  I WILL eat pulled pork.  The only veggie I will eat is carrots and they need to be dipped in some type of dressing.  I do love fruits though.  A LOT!  I love my carbs.  Pasta, pizza, bread.  I love breakfast foods and cereals :)

I wish I would have learned to love foods more so that I could cook for my family better.  So that I, MYSELF, would eat what is made.  It's like I'm sabotaging my children before they even have a choice of what they do or do not like to eat.  They do love all of their veggies though.  That has made me happy, and YES I buy them a ton of it :)

Any advice for helping me with this huge issue???  I don't know if it's the textures or the actual tastes...I've tried eating them prepared multiple ways.  Nothing helps and I just can't do it!  Help!!

~ <3 ~
Me

Absolutely Exhausted

YUP!  This is me right now.  I can barely keep my eyes open and it isn't even 8pm yet!  Our son refuses to sleep to a decent hour and it is starting to show in my face.  I was pretty active this weekend and Sunday I was just plain 'ole busy.  Work was crazy for me today and I sat down after dinner and hit ROCK BOTTOM.

Mondays are my running days, so I know I need to get out there and at least run ONE mile!  Just one!  That's it body....just one tiny mile compared to the usual 3.1.  Screw you body!  I am at the point of exhaustion today.  I can tell my body is screaming for a break....it isn't used to all of this craziness....ok, maybe today my friend.....but tomorrow you are getting your butt kicked!

~ <3 ~
Me

Out of Control Today

This is how I feel today.  I am not even submitting my eating on My Fitness Pal because it was a JOKE!  I came home after grocery shopping.  Opened up my new Fitbit and sat down to enjoy the learning.  I became so overwhelmed i started searching the cupboards.  "Oooo!  Cheeze Its!  Oooo!  Ice cream!!"  It makes me so mad because I do so good and then that's all it takes.  Then after that I feel so guilty and ashamed and I really beat myself up.

I should just learn from today and move on.  I will, and I do.  WHY do I do this to myself?  FOOD IS THE DEBIL!  I've said it many times and it is true.  I am an emotional eater.  Maybe I should go talk to someone about it?  It's my fall back.  Food is always there.

I drink water, I try to eat fiber and proteins to keep full.  No matter how full I am I will still eat.  I am so bummed about my icky day.  I will make up for it tomorrow!  I plan on running first thing in the morning to help me and maybe a bike ride after work.

I've got to keep at it.  It is a daily struggle with ups and downs.  I just have to stay strong and keep pushing!

~ <3 ~
Me

My Personal Best

Well, I did it!  I ran tonight. What was different?  I was able to run a mile in 10:40!!!  I stopped twice equaling almost a minute, but I DID IT!!!  My goal is to get faster more than increasing my distance. 3.1 or even 4 miles is plenty. 

I wish I could go back and show my former self and tell her "See!?  This is the life you could have. To feel good. To not be out of breath from playing with the kids. To feel good about yourself in your own skin. Even your kids notice!  Your daughter encourages you to exercise so you can 'be healthy'.  Your husband even noticed how wonderful you look and said something about it!  Your self esteem is up. You are no longer depressed. You have an amazing job that you finally enjoy. You are surrounded by amazing people who love you and who support you. Can't you see that YOU ARE WORTH IT!?"

You know what?  I AM worth it!  For me, my kids, my husband, my family and my friends. To be with them and to enjoy being with them instead of being a bump on a log. Screw that woman. I am so glad to leave those bad things behind. This is MY TIME, and it feels freaking amazing!  I have proven that anyone can do it!  There are no excuses and there will never be the perfect time to change your life. You just have to DO IT!

So, get up off your butts and go for walks with your kids or your dog. Just go alone to have some meditation time to reflect on your day and to thank God for the life you have :). You don't have to start running or walk for miles. Start small and work your way up. You will be amazed at what you can accomplish!

~ <3 ~

Me