Feeling Like A Failure

I feel this way more lately than I should.  I haven't been running....I haven't been OVER eating....just eating junk.  I feel like this sign is just flashing in front of my eyes lately.  I could list my excuses and reasons.  Thanksgiving hit, my knee hurt....I wish I would have realized I just needed new shoes.  I wish I would have done better with my eating during the holidays....so many regrets.

I started my 5k-10k app and was doing well.  HOWEVER.....my trainer has been less than helpful.  I get a decent work out on my training day, but then I am SO SORE the rest of the weekend that I feel useless.  SO, I have decided to look into another alternative.  A patient of mine recommended a friend of hers.  He went to college specifically for personal training.  Weight and diet management.  I spoke with him on the phone and just felt such a strong draw to use him as part of my training.

I go this wednesday morning and I am really excited about it.  Nervous, yet excited.

The reason for this blog post was an email that FREAKED me out!  I have only 10 weeks until my first 10k!  Holy crap!  10 weeks!?  Seriously!?  I am in full anxiety and panic mode here my friends!  Seriously 10 weeks and I can barely run 5 miles!

I guess I am just in a depressed funk tonight and I can't shake it.  I have the rest of my goal weight to get to and I just feel so lost and so confused.  I feel like it's impossible!  I am in serious need of anxiety medication tonight....and no I don't have any but I wish I did.  My mind is racing and I feel so panicky!  

Yes, I have my moments, and I am having such a hard time tonight.  Thanks for reading and I am in need of major support my friends!  I need a lot of support and encouragement and a cheering section right now! 

~ <3 ~

Me

Dusting Off and Starting Fresh!

Wow.....has it really been THAT long since my last blog post?  Has it really been THAT long since I have gone running?

YUP!!!

We have had some random nice days, but nothing consistent.  We had a CRAZY deep freeze last week and, well, that wasn't going to allow me any outdoor time.  SO, today the sun was shining and the wind was decent.  I ate my lunch at work and decided to do a quick run before my afternoon began.

I ran 0.8 miles and it felt AMAZING!  I think it was just what I needed.  I plan on going to the gym after work tomorrow and running 2 or 3 miles then hitting up the elliptical for the final few to get 5 miles.  I miss it.

My heart is aching from not running.  When I have a moment to sprint across a parking lot, it is the

most amazing feeling ever.  It brings back all that enjoyment and feeling of success and victory.

Surprisingly enough, I have maintained my weight since the whole "knee issue" before Thanksgiving.  I actually lost 0.8lbs which shocked me.  I start back at karate group class tomorrow night which I am super excited about.  I miss it.  The last class I went to my Dad KILLED us!  I literally couldn't sit down on the toilet without using my arms to brace myself for 3 days!  Lunges but they make your butt look nice and perky LOL

Another lady at work got herself a Fitbit and ALL HELL has broken loose! She is the ultimate competitor and has put my fitness friend Eva and I to the test.  Because I have basically given up on my lifestyle lately, I have been able to watch those two go at it!  It is awesome to have competition though because it makes you become more active and strive to be better every day.

Now THIS poor little guy right here represents my eating in every way possible.  I guess I feel like I am eating everything in site with no control at all like I was doing before.  Before my sabbatical I would have a HARD time hitting my calorie goal.  These days I just eat, and eat, and eat, and eat, and.....well, you get the point.

I don't know why, but I am a snacker.  If I can just find something to eat I will eat it and still feel hungry.  UUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH it is so frustrating!  I seriously may go insane, but I am hoping my burst of healthy energy starts my life back up because I wanted to be at my goal weight within a year.  I know that that is a pretty high goal, but it was what I thought was possible.

Maybe it still is, but I have one heck of a long road to travel before I reach the end and begin my maintenance journey.  I am sorry to you all that I haven't been around, and I really should get back with it. 

I feel it already.  I am starting to feel more tired.  I am not as energetic and happy.  I am feeling a little depression coming on.  I NEED THIS!  I need my exercise and running as my prescription for a happy life.  Fitness is my antidepressant and I miss my natural drug so much! 

I AM getting back in the swing of it.  I WILL continue to my goal.  I WILL DO IT!  Plus, all of you are watching me and if I don't do it......boy will I feel silly right????

I hope some of you stuck around to read this, and I am sorry, but this goes to show how easy it is to fall off the wagon, and how hard it is to get back on!  We can do this!!!

~ <3 ~
Me

Getting Out of A Funk....

A little NSV (Non Scale Victory) from this past weekend!  As the days are becoming colder, I am digging out the warmer clothing.  This shirt I have on used to be so tight I couldn't even stand to have it on.  This year it is becoming "tent-like".  When I say that I mean that they fit to my boobs and literally TENT OUT.  So many of my shirts actually make me look heavier than I really am!

Again, I am not complaining, but I am still wondering what I am going to wear this winter!  My new jeans that are 2 sizes smaller than I used to be are starting to sag off my flattened butt!  Yes, I said flattened.  I don't want a Kardashian butt by any means, but some shape would be nice! :) 

My goal is to start weights.....it scares me because I don't want to lose the momentum I have had going.  Actually I am petrified.  You know me and new things ;)  BUT, I have to do it!  I am almost to that half way point of weight loss and I feel like it's slowing down.  It's partially my fault because I really have been a lazy ass for the past week.  Like REALLY lazy!  It's like the old Me has abducted....well, the new Me!  I want ME back!!!

My eating has been awful, my step counts have been awful.  No exercise.  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!?  I understand I will stumble and go backwards in my progress at times, but this is ridiculous!  I feel sluggish and tired.  I am running tomorrow morning and I am dreading it.  I know once I get moving and once I am done I will feel amazing!!!  It is just squashing that inner old me and telling her to butt the hell out of my life and never come back!

Grrrrr she makes me angry.  SO angry!  Why can't that part of me just die already!?  Leave me alone and let me live my new life.  I really need to figure out why I give in so easily.  Sorry.  This post is turning into this raging depressing read.  I apologize.  I just needed to vent.

I will post again tomorrow after my run and let you all know how it goes!

~ <3 ~
Me

YAAAAAAAWN

This is how I feel today!  I feel like my 5k was this MASSIVE adrenaline rush and now that it is over I am drained.  Not to mention that, I am assuming, from the larger inclines of the run, my calves are pretty sore!  Like painful sore!  I walked Monday thinking that would help, but it did not.

I was supposed to go running, but I didn't tonight.  My plan is to go tomorrow and then again over the weekend.  I really do want to try the gym I signed up at.  Maybe do some elliptical and run on a treadmill for the first time ever!  As well as trying not to fall on my face.  I feel like a bump on a log today.  Somewhat busy at work and I tried to stay on my feet to keep my steps going...I am just exhausted.

Tomorrow tends to be my super busy day.  I clean, do laundry, and run if I have time.  I can't wait to run tomorrow!  Lots of sun and good weather ahead!  I am motivated!! 

As I have said before, I do have a slight picky-ness with food.  Well In my Runner's World magazine I came across an AMAZING recipe for lunch!  You take chicken, use a sundried tomato paste, avacado, and put it in a pita.  So I bought wheat pitas...cooked up some chicken breast and got sundried tomato hummus.  I had it today and it was AWESOME!  I bought an avacado today to try with it as well as some lettuce.  I am so excited to try it!!  So filling and so healthy!

I am trying to get more dinner ideas though.  I am lacking in those.  I like simple and easy!  LOVE crock pot ideas too!  So, please give me some ideas my friends!  Like a recipe exchange!  Can't wait to see what you all can come up with!

~ <3 ~
Me

Feeling "Bleh" Today

Some days I realize I need to vent and writing on here really helps scare the blues away.  Today is one of those days.  It's gloomy outside with the impending rain (which we need) and I start later at work today.  I am up and about trying to clean the house and do laundry.  I am just not feeling it today!

I am very nervous about my upcoming 5k on Sunday.  I am excited to get to the finish line but I am still nervous.  I clam up and freak out around large groups of people and unfamiliar situations.  I am thankful that a friend will be near me.  He convinced me to do the race!  Still, I am nervous.  I really want to do well on time but I don't want that to be going through my mind while I am running.  In reality I just want to finish the race without feeling like death :)

Yesterday at work was a bit awkward.  There was a small situation with someone there.  I don't like confrontation and enjoy living in my happy bubble where there is no hate....only fluffy clouds and unicorns!  It really rattled my bones.  I don't know why I let stuff stay with me and bother me.  Our office consultant once said "I don't make you feel a certain way.  It is how you make YOURSELF feel when you interpret it".  That is so true!

I really take things personally.  I may not show it when it happens but it sticks with me for quite awhile.  It could be a little jab at me or something to poke fun.  I will laugh and make my quick come back, but unfortunately, I am still sensitive.  I feel like I always had a high self esteem to keep myself up when maybe I didn't have the friends in school, or when I did get picked on.  As an adult.....it's EXHAUSTING!  People tell me I need to speak up and say my mind and when things hurt or bother me to say something.  I am trying.....still growing.....still learning.

My problem is I have such an open heart.  I take everyone in and when something happens to crush that "perfect" thought I am devastated!  So anywho, yesterday at work really rattled me.  My boss is amazing and supported me which I am so thankful for!  He really is an amazing boss....I am very lucky to have landed where I am today.  So, why am I still letting it bother me?  Who knows...I hate it.  I need to pray or meditate or something.  As I get older my anxiety is getting worse.

On the days that I run,  I feel amazing.....maybe I need to start running everyday?  It's my own personal antidepressant/anti-anxiety treatment!  A doctor I USED to see (notice the past tense) tried to put me on an antidepressant for my anxiety and I was a ZOMBIE for at least a month.  I took myself off of it when I realized I was falling asleep in the middle of the floor while I was playing with my kids.  I have to admit that my job then was emotionally and physically draining (mainly due to the boss I had).  Once I found another job that helped 300% and then my running has really given me an outlet.  My Dad keeps telling me to come back to Karate.  I miss it....the physical contact of hitting shit really made me feel great.  I was really involved in high school and it helped me stay fit, flexible, and strong!

I really don't know where this entry is going.  But I figured if I type it out and put it out there....I'll feel better for venting and my readers always offer great support.  I have been reading blogs out there and it is amazing seeing other peoples journeys through their weight loss and healthy living.  So inspiring.  One that resonated was a recent post HERE about how people judge others who are overweight and how they feel about it.  Such an amazing perspective.  I am guilty of it too.  Trying to put on a happy face when inside you are screaming....read up.  It is amazing!

Ok, so don't be worried about me from this post.  I am FINE.  I just needed to vent.  My husband gets an earful of my venting and I figured he needed a break ;)

As a side note, it was freaking HOT yesterday and I decided to go running at 1:30pm....yeah not so smart.  I walked a lot because I started getting chills around my lips and up my spine.  Always freaks me out when it's super hot out and while I am a sweaty mess I start shaking because I am cold....NOT good!  I tried to re run my wk2 day 2 in my 5k-10k app and failed at beating my previous time.  I wasn't surprised just because of the weather conditions.  But I did it until the end and then went further to make sure I finished that 3.1 mi!!!  I run tomorrow again....I may go today.  Just for a mile as a time check to help with my time for Sunday......AHHHH SUNDAY!!!  :)


My Fitbit is great.  The woman at work and I were hard core competing and I gave up.  She always beats me in steps.  But when I run my 3mi I try to burn more calories rather than look at the steps I have.  It always makes me smile when I do hit my 10,000/day though!  I feel like I accomplished something!  Here is a screen shot of my day yesterday.

Pretty good I think!  My best day was like 15,000 something.  That was a day I ran AND cut the grass :)  I felt amazing that day.  SUPER exhausted the next day but still great :)  Can't wait to see how I do today!

Well, enough procrastinating.  I have GOT to get some stuff done today!!  Have an amazing day everyone and thanks so much for letting me vent!  I feel so much better :)

~ <3 ~
Me

My Addiction To Food

I would be lying if I said I wasn't thinking about eating a doughnut until I saw this picture......YUUUUM!

So I have said it before and I will say it again.  I think food is the DEBIL and yet I can't live without it.  It isn't even that I love ALL food....just the ones that aren't good for me.  If it is near me, I will eat it.  I will take a bite which leads me to come back later for another bite, then another.  I end up eating half of what is there, but make sure I time my snacking so no one sees me and no one would know it was ME who ate it all.

Since I have started my journey in May, I have REALLY been keeping track of my eating on My Fitness Pal .  I keep my diary open so EVERYONE can see it.  For some reason it helps with my guilt factor.  Meaning if I eat awful, everyone will see it and judge me and persecute me to no end about my awful horrible choices.  They aren't mean at all and everyone is so supportive, so that has helped me a ton.

Growing up, my Mom always made amazing dinners.  Casseroles, home made spaghetti, chicken, pork chops.  We were never allowed sugary cereals.  It was Cheerios, Rice Krispies, Kix, or Rice Chex.  She is an A-MA-ZING cook.  As far back as I can remember I was always a picky eater.  My Mom and Dad would make me sit at the table until I at least ate ONE BITE!  Just one!  I was so dramatic. 

I hate the taste of chicken, pork, steaks.....I HATE it!  I won't eat chicken unless it is in a wrap or a bun (cut in super tiny pieces).  I refuse to eat steak or pork chops.  I WILL eat pulled pork.  The only veggie I will eat is carrots and they need to be dipped in some type of dressing.  I do love fruits though.  A LOT!  I love my carbs.  Pasta, pizza, bread.  I love breakfast foods and cereals :)

I wish I would have learned to love foods more so that I could cook for my family better.  So that I, MYSELF, would eat what is made.  It's like I'm sabotaging my children before they even have a choice of what they do or do not like to eat.  They do love all of their veggies though.  That has made me happy, and YES I buy them a ton of it :)

Any advice for helping me with this huge issue???  I don't know if it's the textures or the actual tastes...I've tried eating them prepared multiple ways.  Nothing helps and I just can't do it!  Help!!

~ <3 ~
Me

Absolutely Exhausted

YUP!  This is me right now.  I can barely keep my eyes open and it isn't even 8pm yet!  Our son refuses to sleep to a decent hour and it is starting to show in my face.  I was pretty active this weekend and Sunday I was just plain 'ole busy.  Work was crazy for me today and I sat down after dinner and hit ROCK BOTTOM.

Mondays are my running days, so I know I need to get out there and at least run ONE mile!  Just one!  That's it body....just one tiny mile compared to the usual 3.1.  Screw you body!  I am at the point of exhaustion today.  I can tell my body is screaming for a break....it isn't used to all of this craziness....ok, maybe today my friend.....but tomorrow you are getting your butt kicked!

~ <3 ~
Me

Out of Control Today

This is how I feel today.  I am not even submitting my eating on My Fitness Pal because it was a JOKE!  I came home after grocery shopping.  Opened up my new Fitbit and sat down to enjoy the learning.  I became so overwhelmed i started searching the cupboards.  "Oooo!  Cheeze Its!  Oooo!  Ice cream!!"  It makes me so mad because I do so good and then that's all it takes.  Then after that I feel so guilty and ashamed and I really beat myself up.

I should just learn from today and move on.  I will, and I do.  WHY do I do this to myself?  FOOD IS THE DEBIL!  I've said it many times and it is true.  I am an emotional eater.  Maybe I should go talk to someone about it?  It's my fall back.  Food is always there.

I drink water, I try to eat fiber and proteins to keep full.  No matter how full I am I will still eat.  I am so bummed about my icky day.  I will make up for it tomorrow!  I plan on running first thing in the morning to help me and maybe a bike ride after work.

I've got to keep at it.  It is a daily struggle with ups and downs.  I just have to stay strong and keep pushing!

~ <3 ~
Me

New Found Fitness

I look much happier than her while I am biking, but it makes me smile knowing that the whole family is staying active.  Our daughter is LOVING riding her bike!!!  I am not going to lie that it is a nice change of pace from the running.  I just hope I don't let it go.  It really did help me feel better and really helped relieve stress I was having at the time.

I guess I don't have much to post today.  I felt so motivated yesterday and really produced an inspiring blog post.  I feel like a bum today :-P

I am very anxious to weigh in the beginning of September and take my photo update.  It is me in a bra and panties and I have no shame to share it so you can see the difference too!  Maybe I'll blur my face ;-)

I want to thank those of you who are reading this and PLEASE if you have any questions or have a topic you would like me to post about, don't hesitate to contact me.  I am on Google+, Facebook, and Twitter!  You know that social networking is EVERYWHERE!  Thanks again and I do hope I can help someone out there who may be struggling like I was!

~ <3 ~
Me

Yes. I said it. I hate the HEAT!

 

                      Does anyone else feel like ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^   THAT??

I HATE hot weather!  I also hate snow, but I will save that one for the first official Northeast Ohio snow storm of the winter season.

I enjoy sitting in the shade....having the pool boy fan me while I sip my fruity frozen drink.  BAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  Yeah like THAT would be happening.  I have to say though as I am losing weight the heat doesn't affect me as much.  I seem to tolerate it a little better as time goes on.  Last night I was actually cold!

I guess I don't know where this post is headed and I apologize with my poor authoring skills :)  This is my first time really putting myself out there and writing.

I hate running in the hot sun and feeling like my skin is frying off my body.  Although once I was good at remembering sunscreen it didn't seem as bad.  I really shouldn't complain.  I am actually starting to get nervous with the winter months approaching.  Many things are running through my mind.

1) Should i join a gym

Follow-up to #1) is there a gym that i can go monthly instead of a yearly contract

2) should i get a treadmill

follow-up to #2) is there a reliable amazing fold up treadmill? (we don't have the space for a standard one)

3) OMG I'M GOING TO GET FAT AGAIN!!!

#3, mind you, is my biggest fear.  Putting on my hibernation weight then needing to start back at square one and just being disappointed in myself.

My plan?  I know you're asking if I even have a point to this babbling.  I do, so hang in there with me.  My plan is to already KNOW I will keep the weight off, and that when the time comes I will have a plan.  My Mom always says I need to live in the moment and stop planning my life.  I do, it is just hard!

I guess I need to research running in the cold weather.  What do I wear?  Do I wear my same shoes or are there special running snow boots I don't know about.

Any advice out there?  Anything you'd recommend?  I do hope someone is reading this and that we can all help each other.  I also hope maybe there is someone that wonders "What's next" and maybe I can inspire them.  Either way, I will be hitting my 4 month anniversary to the start of my healthy new life and I will have a thorough evaluation on my life as well as the numbers.  That always keeps ya motivated right!?

Thanks for stopping by!  Tell your friends and don't forget to follow me if you have a blogger account!!  I am also on Google+!

~ <3 ~

Me

Reflection

First off, I am totally peeved because I really had a good post typed up. I hit publish and my blogger app took a dump and I don't have ANYTHING now. So I hope I can recreate it a little. 

So I've said it once and I'll say it again. Food is my toughest struggle. I have no problem stopping myself from eating too many carrots or too much watermelon. But my body is not equipped with a governor that will shut my body off when I can't have anymore junk food. 

My weaknesses?  Ice cream, candies, chips. Really anything they say is junk ill eat it. It's like a drug addict. Once I get my fix I stop twitching and foaming at the mouth like a dog sitting near the dinner table. Yeah!  Try to get THAT visual out of your head :)

As a side not I did get out today and do a 1.8mi bike ride with our daughter. While on our journey she says "now that I ride my bike like a big girl I can come with you when you run right?"  I look down at my GPS watch and see we are doing a 19min mile and I nicely tell her "no honey. I don't think so."  Half way through our trip I looked down and saw we were at 11:18min/mile and then figured maybe she COULD. If she can keep that up for 3.1mi would be the question. We shall see :). Maybe a test run is in order. 

OK!  Way off topic there. Back on track!  So do any of you have that one struggle that peaks it's ugly head around the corner sometimes?  Mine is food!  It's always there in the back of my mind like that one person in your life you know you're better without but you still want to get ahold if them just to say hi.

Curse you food!  It will take time, but i WILL win!  Food is the debil!