Feeling "Bleh" Today

Some days I realize I need to vent and writing on here really helps scare the blues away.  Today is one of those days.  It's gloomy outside with the impending rain (which we need) and I start later at work today.  I am up and about trying to clean the house and do laundry.  I am just not feeling it today!

I am very nervous about my upcoming 5k on Sunday.  I am excited to get to the finish line but I am still nervous.  I clam up and freak out around large groups of people and unfamiliar situations.  I am thankful that a friend will be near me.  He convinced me to do the race!  Still, I am nervous.  I really want to do well on time but I don't want that to be going through my mind while I am running.  In reality I just want to finish the race without feeling like death :)

Yesterday at work was a bit awkward.  There was a small situation with someone there.  I don't like confrontation and enjoy living in my happy bubble where there is no hate....only fluffy clouds and unicorns!  It really rattled my bones.  I don't know why I let stuff stay with me and bother me.  Our office consultant once said "I don't make you feel a certain way.  It is how you make YOURSELF feel when you interpret it".  That is so true!

I really take things personally.  I may not show it when it happens but it sticks with me for quite awhile.  It could be a little jab at me or something to poke fun.  I will laugh and make my quick come back, but unfortunately, I am still sensitive.  I feel like I always had a high self esteem to keep myself up when maybe I didn't have the friends in school, or when I did get picked on.  As an adult.....it's EXHAUSTING!  People tell me I need to speak up and say my mind and when things hurt or bother me to say something.  I am trying.....still growing.....still learning.

My problem is I have such an open heart.  I take everyone in and when something happens to crush that "perfect" thought I am devastated!  So anywho, yesterday at work really rattled me.  My boss is amazing and supported me which I am so thankful for!  He really is an amazing boss....I am very lucky to have landed where I am today.  So, why am I still letting it bother me?  Who knows...I hate it.  I need to pray or meditate or something.  As I get older my anxiety is getting worse.

On the days that I run,  I feel amazing.....maybe I need to start running everyday?  It's my own personal antidepressant/anti-anxiety treatment!  A doctor I USED to see (notice the past tense) tried to put me on an antidepressant for my anxiety and I was a ZOMBIE for at least a month.  I took myself off of it when I realized I was falling asleep in the middle of the floor while I was playing with my kids.  I have to admit that my job then was emotionally and physically draining (mainly due to the boss I had).  Once I found another job that helped 300% and then my running has really given me an outlet.  My Dad keeps telling me to come back to Karate.  I miss it....the physical contact of hitting shit really made me feel great.  I was really involved in high school and it helped me stay fit, flexible, and strong!

I really don't know where this entry is going.  But I figured if I type it out and put it out there....I'll feel better for venting and my readers always offer great support.  I have been reading blogs out there and it is amazing seeing other peoples journeys through their weight loss and healthy living.  So inspiring.  One that resonated was a recent post HERE about how people judge others who are overweight and how they feel about it.  Such an amazing perspective.  I am guilty of it too.  Trying to put on a happy face when inside you are screaming....read up.  It is amazing!

Ok, so don't be worried about me from this post.  I am FINE.  I just needed to vent.  My husband gets an earful of my venting and I figured he needed a break ;)

As a side note, it was freaking HOT yesterday and I decided to go running at 1:30pm....yeah not so smart.  I walked a lot because I started getting chills around my lips and up my spine.  Always freaks me out when it's super hot out and while I am a sweaty mess I start shaking because I am cold....NOT good!  I tried to re run my wk2 day 2 in my 5k-10k app and failed at beating my previous time.  I wasn't surprised just because of the weather conditions.  But I did it until the end and then went further to make sure I finished that 3.1 mi!!!  I run tomorrow again....I may go today.  Just for a mile as a time check to help with my time for Sunday......AHHHH SUNDAY!!!  :)


My Fitbit is great.  The woman at work and I were hard core competing and I gave up.  She always beats me in steps.  But when I run my 3mi I try to burn more calories rather than look at the steps I have.  It always makes me smile when I do hit my 10,000/day though!  I feel like I accomplished something!  Here is a screen shot of my day yesterday.

Pretty good I think!  My best day was like 15,000 something.  That was a day I ran AND cut the grass :)  I felt amazing that day.  SUPER exhausted the next day but still great :)  Can't wait to see how I do today!

Well, enough procrastinating.  I have GOT to get some stuff done today!!  Have an amazing day everyone and thanks so much for letting me vent!  I feel so much better :)

~ <3 ~
Me

Humans never cease to amaze....

"I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear."-Martin Luther King, Jr.

Seriously, the human race never ceases to amaze me.  I was very productive this morning and had time to start my 5k to 10k app.  Off I went.  Feeling good to start my new goal for the day.  As I make my way around our block I hear a faint noise.  I decide to turn down my music to take a listen and I hear a young boy screaming from somewhere "Keep running fatty!  You're so fat!".  I didn't turn around, and I just keep on trucking forward.  It didn't hurt me or my feelings.  It made me agry.  At his parents!

Growing up, we picked on kids.  I was even picked on a bit, but it is NOTHING like the kids these days.  Call it bullying, call it picking on someone.  Whatever you call it, it is wrong.  I don't understand how parents can allow their children to behave like this.  NOW, mind you something to think about is "Where did they learn it from?".  Some can say TV, some can say video games, music.  You know what I say?  PARENTS!  Parents need to start taking responsibility of their children.  Molding them into loving caring human beings.  Faith and religion in their lives is a whole different blog post that I will allow some other daring soul to endure.  I have my feelings and I am sure you all have yours on that as well.

Back on track.  Kids these days are not taught to respect people.  They are rude, vile little things and it saddens me that our children will soon be put into school with these kids.  Now, I know it isn't ALL kids, but wow is it a lot.

So, my PSA for today is.... Parents: Please teach your children about love, and respect.  Teach them to treat others the way they would like to be treated.  Teach them how to TALK to people instead of staring at their phones all the time (yes I am guilty of this and am trying to break the habit for my own kids).  Teach them to strive for goals and successes in life.  Kids these days have no direction and it is because we don't expect things from them any more.  They need responsibility and and expectations.

I know every child is different, but we can teach them how to be nice!  I mean sheesh it is pretty simple!

As a side note, I completed Week1 Day1 of my 5k-10k program and cut our front and back lawn as well.  Lots of steps already from my fitbit!

I have been pretty busy today, but that is good.  I have been a lazy bum the last few days :)  I am loving my Fitbit by the way.  It really let me know that I WASN'T moving as much as I thought I did at work!  It has been amazing.  I am a very visual person, so all of the grafts they use really keep me motivated and keep me seeing how I am doing.  I got mine super cheap on eBay!  Just do a search for a used one!  That's what I did!

Ok, enough of my product placement :)  Have an amazing day and enjoy everything and everyone!  Peace and love my friends.....peace and love ;)

~ <3 ~
Me

My Personal Best

Well, I did it!  I ran tonight. What was different?  I was able to run a mile in 10:40!!!  I stopped twice equaling almost a minute, but I DID IT!!!  My goal is to get faster more than increasing my distance. 3.1 or even 4 miles is plenty. 

I wish I could go back and show my former self and tell her "See!?  This is the life you could have. To feel good. To not be out of breath from playing with the kids. To feel good about yourself in your own skin. Even your kids notice!  Your daughter encourages you to exercise so you can 'be healthy'.  Your husband even noticed how wonderful you look and said something about it!  Your self esteem is up. You are no longer depressed. You have an amazing job that you finally enjoy. You are surrounded by amazing people who love you and who support you. Can't you see that YOU ARE WORTH IT!?"

You know what?  I AM worth it!  For me, my kids, my husband, my family and my friends. To be with them and to enjoy being with them instead of being a bump on a log. Screw that woman. I am so glad to leave those bad things behind. This is MY TIME, and it feels freaking amazing!  I have proven that anyone can do it!  There are no excuses and there will never be the perfect time to change your life. You just have to DO IT!

So, get up off your butts and go for walks with your kids or your dog. Just go alone to have some meditation time to reflect on your day and to thank God for the life you have :). You don't have to start running or walk for miles. Start small and work your way up. You will be amazed at what you can accomplish!

~ <3 ~

Me