A Little Barry White??

I know I have been absent from here lately and that is because I have been absent from everything!  My eating healthy and my fitness goals.  I did snag this quick "selfie" today while cleaning.  I am starting to feel more comfortable in my body!

I got on the scale this morning and I did gain 1lb :(  I mean it could have been worse!!  I am still disappointed in myself.  I did decide to go running during my lunch on Mondays.  Just a quick 2 miles so I am not too gross and sweaty when I am done.  They don't have showers at the gym and I can't give myself a sponge bath when I get back to work LoL.  I need to find a good body cleansing cloth that I can use.

So back on topic today.  It gets a little personal, so if you are easily offended or uncomfortable stop reading :)  Now, I don't know about you other ladies....or men for that matter.  When my husband and I first got married, things were amAzing in the passion department.  We had our daughter and things continued going strong.  Always intense and exciting.  Then we hit a wall when our son was born.  Like literally a brick and stone wall....completely solid.  Mind you, our son is 2 1/2 now.  I can honestly say not until the past few months have things started getting back to normal again!

My husband would NEVER tell me anything bad about my weight.  He never looks at other women or comments about their bodies.  Well, except for Carrie Underwood, but that is allowed.  So he never made me feel less than or not good enough.  It was all mental for me.  I was uncomfortable with who I was.  I was uncomfortable in the skin I was in.  I wasn't confident.  I felt awkward.  I felt huge.  I felt fat.  I felt disgusting.  I didn't feel sexy or attractive.  I felt ugly.  My husband never made me feel this way....EVER!   This is how I felt about myself. 

As I am noticing my curvy hips and my favorite.....my clavicle (collar bone), I am feeling beautiful!  I am more confident with my body and what I do with it.  I am sure my husband is appreciative of this too HAHAHAHA.  It has made a HUGE difference in our relationship.  More passion....crazy, right!?  I am not hesitant when we are together.  The excitement is back.  I am excited about being intimate with my husband with this revamped body of mine!

Another huge help has been my friend Yurisa.  We got back in touch through FB.  It had been YEARS since we ever talked.  BFB4L Yo (She'll understand what that means).  ANYWAY!  She has really gotten me into trying different types of clothing and even more recently things to do with makeup.  My beauty guru.  When I put the time in (when i have the time) it knocks that confidence through the roof.  Her support through our friendship has been immense, but her newest tips have really helped put the icing on the cake so to say.  Thanks girl!

Some people who are heavier MAY be comfortable in their skin.  To them I say I am happy for you and good for you all.  It just wasn't for me!  I am enjoying the new me, and my husband might be too!  HAHA.  In regards to the title about Barry White....it's an inside joke with my family that if you hear Barry White playing don't come barging in because things MIGHT be going on LoL  I love my family :)  So, in conclusion (I now feel like I am finalizing my English paper for school) if you are comfortable and confident in the skin you are in, congrats and much love to you.  If you are not, there is always room for self improvement.  Just be sure to do it for yourself and not for someone else.  Who cares what everyone else thinks.  It is about how you feel about yourself and the way you look!

~ <3 ~
Me

Looking Back.....

This picture won't make sense in the beginning of this post, but somewhere near the middle it should all come together.

So I was talking with a friend of mine today.  She really has been there with me when I was at my lowest point in my life.  But let's rewind for a moment!

I was always a decently happy kid.  Tried to stay positive, always saw the good in everyone and everything.  I tried to anyways :)  I wasn't the most popular kid in school but I wasn't the dorkiest kid either.  I just stayed in the middle and that was ok with me.  People knew who I was but didn't know much about me except for my friends.  I went to college (a local community college) while all of my friends went away to school and enjoyed that "college experience".  I tried to visit when I could. 

I dated guys that were all wrong for me and it affected my schooling.  I met my husband and it all just came together!  It was so easy!  He helped me study and in his words "I graduated from Dental Hygiene school too!"  He did learn a lot with helping me :)

Right out of school I got a part time job at an amazing office.  My Boss was like a friend and family.  I got engaged and decided I needed a full time job if we wanted a house so that I could contribute.  It broke my heart to leave but I had to do it for my FUTURE family!  So I got a full time job quickly and was there through getting married and giving birth to our daughter.  I was 5 months pregnant with our son when my Boss told me he had sold his office to another Dentist.  Hormones probably affected my response MORE than my brain, but I was devastated.  The new Boss and I were not on the same page with many things and I had made up my mind that during my maternity leave I would find another job.

Not soon after that a Doctor hired me, 7 months pregnant, to work at his office.  I was there 3 months before our son was born and it was AMAZING!  I loved the people I worked with and I loved my boss and the environment I was working in!  I came back from maternity leave and THIS my friends is when I can honestly tell you I went a little crazy! (insert crazy smiley face from above)

It was different.  My Boss was different.  I wouldn't get home until 6:30pm on a night I should be home by 5:15pm!  I would get home at 9:00pm on a night I should be home by 7!  I worked there a year with this life and it RUINED me!  I missed dinner every night for a year.  I missed milestones with my children and husband for a year.  I lost out on my LIFE for a year.  I decided to start seeing someone to talk to....maybe it would help?  It did a little, but not enough to change how awful I was feeling.

I didn't want to do anything.  I sat on the couch online all the time, or watched TV all night.  I was there physically, but mentally I had checked out.  I was surrounded by an amazing family, my incredible children, and my supportive and loving husband, but I still felt so alone!  I started going out with friends and staying out until 2-3 in the morning.  It had to stop!  I told myself "You are 30 years old!  Grow up and deal with your shit!".  I was making poor decisions and looking back I am ashamed, but you can't change the past!  You can only learn from it!

I had an amazing job opportunity come up.  Closer to home, great hours, a little less $ hourly but I'd be home more.  I took it and despite my Boss trying to tell me what a rude awakening I'd have going over to this new office, I felt amazing about my decision.  I started my new job (just after breaking my ankle).  My first day working there was it's own therapy.  I came home EARLY!  Our daughter immediately said, as I walked through the door, "Mommy is home for dinner??".  That alone made me know I had made the right decision.

I love my job!  Every place of employment has their ups and downs, and sure some days I go home and think "Why can't I be a lady of leisure?"  But 99.9% of the time I feel like I am "Home".  My fellow employees are amazing and we may have our moments with each other, but when you have 10 women in an office together.....if there ISN'T drama I would be surprised!  My Boss is incredibly supportive and encourages that Family comes before Work.  That is what sold me on taking the job in the first place :)

So, I had been there and all of a sudden I had a falling out with a friend over.....you guessed it....DRAMA!  This friend was with me while I was doing my partying til 2am.  It was shortly after I started my Couch to 5k program.  I thought we had a good friendship but apparently I was wrong.  It is amazing how quickly things can become ugly and hateful in such a short period of time.  Nothing like that had ever happened to me before...I was honestly shocked.  Things were said and things were done to me that will never be forgotten.  It isn't worth the time mentioning it because it's over and done with.  But this would be a HUGE turning point in my "recovery".

The new job helped get me out of my depression.  I say depression because looking back, I know that's what it was.  Losing the negative energy in my life was the final step.  I was looking at what was most important.  Being around and being healthy for my kids, husband and family.  Also, just to ENJOY LIFE!!! 

I look at life in a whole new way now!  With more energy and more appreciation!  Coming back to the beginning of my post.  My best friend and I got to chat today.  Doesn't seem like a big deal, but she recently moved to another country, so the time difference can be tricky, but we make due.  She always is there for me literally through thick and thin (did you catch my weight joke?).  When I was at my lowest point in my life, she stuck by me and was there for me 24/7.  It's just comforting to know through all the chaos that she was always there and didn't run :)  I am also thankful my husband doesn't mind me take the time to connect with her.  We always joke that I am having an affair because every time I am on the phone or texting it is probably her :)

So, after the lowest of lows....I survived.  I turned things around and am always striving for a better life with my amazingly supportive husband, our incredible kids, and my wonderfully supportive family and friends. 

I couldn't imagine what my Mom was going through as she watched me slowly fall away.  She stuck with me and was and always is so supportive.  It has to be hard watching your child spiral out of control and not be able to do anything to help.  So, thank you Mom!  I can say I am doing AWESOME!!! 

Thank you to my husband.  Because of my issues, he was left with practically being a single parent because I had checked out and didn't do ANYTHING.  Words cannot describe the deep love I have for you that will be with me until we are old and grey :).  You are an amazing husband and an even more incredible father.

Thank you to all of you for reading!  I don't know why I felt the need to post this, but I did!  Don't ever be scared to ask for help or to change your life for the better....no matter the circumstances.  If it improves your life and the lives of those around you, it is a great decision!!

~ <3 ~
Me

Holy Weight Loss Batman!

I have done fairly well this week!  Just earlier in the week I documented a 2lb loss.  And yesterday I lost another pound!  I was ecstatic!  I felt like I really was moving and couldn't figure out why!  I looked back at my food logging and realized 2 things.

First, I wasn't eating very much sugar....which has really given me a bit of energy!  Second, I have been eating 1600 calories instead of the 1400 that I have my goal set to.  Now, I don't know if this is  the reason or a fluke or what the deal is, but I am kind of testing the waters.  At 1400 calories, I have never felt like I was starving or hungry.  But when I hit the 1600 calories I didn't have the urges to snack!  I will keep you posted on my new study.

Yesterday I started some shopping for two outfits for the weekend.  I got a cute sweater from a store called Maurices.  I also was able to buy a size 14 jean in my favorite Style & Co brand from Macy's!  I love their jeans because it helps with my "Mommy tummy".  So while I was there, I tried on some dresses!

First I couldn't believe that I was even fitting into a 12!  A SIZE 12!!!!  It was incredible!  This dress here was just a dress I HAD to try on.  It looked gorgeous on the rack and back in May I wouldn't have even considered trying this gorgeous thing on.

For the first time ever I thought "Daaaaaaaaaamn girl you looking good!"  Now I am sure there are people out there who wouldn't agree or who feel maybe I am not "small enough" to fit into a dress like this.  You know what?  Screw you!  I felt amazing :)

My plan is to get this dress for a wedding next year.  It will be my coming out dress and I will look and feel incredible!

My next gial is to REALLY get some weights in my regimen.  I am noticing my arms and legs and tummy just aren't catching up with the rest of my loss and I am noticing.  They are the last parts changing and it is frustrating, but I know it takes time.  I just don't want floppy arms after I lose my weight!

It's just a matter of getting it done.  I just don't know how to get started or what to do!  BLAH!  I just gotta do it!  Ok my friends!  I have a super busy weekend ahead with a lot of food coming my way, but I WILL keep up with it!

As a side note, my Wheat wrap, chicken, sundried tomato hummus sandwiches have been AMAZING!  All of the extra protein is helping to keep me feeling full so I don't devour everything in the cupboard!  Stay safe to all the other food addicts out there.....I know it's tough!!

~ <3 ~
Me

My First 5k!

That's me!!  That's me!!  Just coming up on the finish of my first ever 5k!  I was so nervous and frankly intimidated by the number of people there!  I signed up for this 5k months ago.  I finished my Couch to 5k app in July and have been waiting to do a 5k that doesn't involve just myself :)

It was SUCH an amazing experience!  A friend of ours was nice enough to bring me to the race and hang with me until he passed my slow ass HaHaHa .  We got there early and it was SO cold!  Thank goodness the sun came out.  It wasn't too warm and it wasn't so cold.  It really was perfect running weather!

So the race begins.....everyone is walking to the starting line.  We hit the starting line and BAM we start jogging.  I maintained 11:20-11:40/mi.  I got passed up, and I passed others.  But I kept with MY pace.  My music was blaring in my ears to keep me concentrating on my main goal.  NOT STOPPING!  I just wanted to jog the whole way and never stop to rest or catch my breath.  The last .50mi it was all uphill and I remember reading about the best way to run up hill and I kept pushing.  People were stopping at the water stops but I kept going....it was only 3mi and I never have water at home until I get home.  So off I went!

I started seeing people slowing down, starting to walk.  I refused!  I HAD to keep going!  As I make my way up that last hill my inner demon starts on me "Oh man that was hard, you should slow it down".  I bitch slapped her and pushed myself even harder!  When I heard a man say "Only about 100 yards left everyone!  Keep it up you are doing great" I kicked my ass into gear and got moving!  As I started entering the center of the town the first person I saw was my Mom in her bright blue shirt.  I was so excited and hence my thumbs up shot :)  I pushed and ran to that finish!

So from the time the race even started until I crossed the finish line it was 36:22.  The racing chip on my racing bib started timing me the minute I crossed the start line.  From MY start to finish, I ran my first 5k in 35:17!  Did you read that right!?  Yes you did, and that is what I thought when I saw the number.  When I started my couch to 5k app; the first time I jogged 3.1 mi my time was just under 48:00.  Slowly it has gotten better and my recent best was 35:50.  HOLY CRAP!  That was one hell of an improvement!  The difference?  I paced myself today.  I wasn't exhausted.  I never couldn't catch my breath.  I NEVER STOPPED!  When I am home I always end up stopping and walking because I am trying to run my miles in under 11:00/mi.  I should know better!

So, here I am sitting here....I can't believe it's over already!  I also can't wait for my next 5k in October!  That one I am running with my Mom!  It really was such a rush and I can't believe I did it!  The November 2012 me would have laughed at the idea....the September 2013 me is ready to kick ass and keep moving and stay healthy.  Let's admit it....I feel amazing and I don't look half that bad these days ;)

Thank you all for your support and pushing...Words cannot describe how I am feeling today....Complete and utter joy!

~ <3 ~
Me

Proof of Losing

I have been DREADING this post for awhile.  I was nervous, scared, excited, proud.  SUCH a mixture of emotions I just didn't know if I should even do it!  BUT, here it is!

 May 2013 - 200 lbs - lazy, tired, exhausted.  I felt awful about my body and had nothing to wear!

This is today; September 2013 - 180 lbs - active, running, energetic, confident.  I am still not comfortable with my body, BUT I feel better about it :)

A lot of my weight is in my stomach/hips/thighs.  I recently joined a gym for winter time and I plan on running my 3x a week, but also doing weights 2x a week.  They offer one free training session that I PLAN on taking advantage of.  Or finding someone to help me while I am there!

The after picture just makes me smile.  If you could see my face in these pictures, you can see my expressions.  the 200 lb me was frowing....slouching....sad.  You could just see how miserable I was.  And as the pictures have progressed (I have slacked at doing my monthly photos, but have tried) I can see the change.  I stand up straighter, my smile is wider.  I am more confident!

So again....thank you to ALL who have been so supportive!  I run my first 5k in one week and I would be lying if I didn't say I was PETRIFIED!  I don't do well in unfamiliar places.  My anxiety kicks in full force!  It starts at 10:30 am but we have to register at 8:30am....I don't want to wait!  LoL

Wish me luck, and YES I will have pictures to share.  Have a great Sunday everyone!

~ <3 ~
Me

My Personal Best

Well, I did it!  I ran tonight. What was different?  I was able to run a mile in 10:40!!!  I stopped twice equaling almost a minute, but I DID IT!!!  My goal is to get faster more than increasing my distance. 3.1 or even 4 miles is plenty. 

I wish I could go back and show my former self and tell her "See!?  This is the life you could have. To feel good. To not be out of breath from playing with the kids. To feel good about yourself in your own skin. Even your kids notice!  Your daughter encourages you to exercise so you can 'be healthy'.  Your husband even noticed how wonderful you look and said something about it!  Your self esteem is up. You are no longer depressed. You have an amazing job that you finally enjoy. You are surrounded by amazing people who love you and who support you. Can't you see that YOU ARE WORTH IT!?"

You know what?  I AM worth it!  For me, my kids, my husband, my family and my friends. To be with them and to enjoy being with them instead of being a bump on a log. Screw that woman. I am so glad to leave those bad things behind. This is MY TIME, and it feels freaking amazing!  I have proven that anyone can do it!  There are no excuses and there will never be the perfect time to change your life. You just have to DO IT!

So, get up off your butts and go for walks with your kids or your dog. Just go alone to have some meditation time to reflect on your day and to thank God for the life you have :). You don't have to start running or walk for miles. Start small and work your way up. You will be amazed at what you can accomplish!

~ <3 ~

Me