Routine Has Happened

I was sitting her on the couch browsing the internet (yeah I know so healthy and all) and I realized something......I finally have routine with my healthy lifestyle!  I was telling a friend of mine how I always heard it takes 30 days to make something a habit.  That is a load of BS! 

I can't tell you how many times I attempted to turn my life around.  I would stick with things for MONTHS and go right back to where I started.  I don't know what the difference is now compared to then, but it just feels right!

It feels weird if I don't work out during the week (especially my PT sessions).  If I don't eat well, by body tells me so!  Like seriously, it makes me miserable....absolutely miserable!  My body craves exercise!  It's like a drug!  A huge antidepressant drug!  I am more positive and my body is happy!

I cried today at my Personal Training (PT) today.  I felt so stupid but I cried!  I was doing a circuit and part of it was a "chin up" move where I squatted to the floor and used my arms to pull up and down.  Immediately I started crying.  My trainer seriously thought I was hurt and that something was terribly wrong with me.  All I could say was "I never would have thought I'd be able to do something like this before".  All he said was "Well, you're doing it now!".  Damn right Tommy!  Damn right!

My trainer is amazing.  (that's my sweaty PT selfie) Super patient but very firm and motivating.  Pushes me to the point that my body can take the work out but, as he said today, "I don't push you to the point that you can't even sit down on the toilet".  SO TRUE!  When I was at Fitness 19 my trainer (let's call him Bob) would work me out so hard that I literally couldn't sit down on the toilet without something to support me!  He knew I had a knee issue and was worried about building up the strength in my thighs and around my knees.  I'd be out of commission for DAYS!

I am sore with my new trainer, but it is a good sore.  A reminder of what muscles I used for my workout and that I am slimming and trimming that fat away!  A reminder of the old me becoming the new me!  RAWR!!  LoL

Ok, so I love my PT days and they make me happy and healthy like my healthy eating!  YAY!  When I miss either of those things, my world comes crashing down and all is lost and gone forever ;)

As a side note, I have signed up for a 5k race every month until October!  I am so happy and so excited because my husband has decided to run with me!  He wants to get into it too!  I am so excited to share this part of my life with him!

Off to bed I go my friends!  Thanks for reading and share this with your friends!  Maybe I can guide someone to a healthier lifestyle too!

~ <3 ~
Me

Bi Polar Weather

So, It has been a month since my last post.  I just haven't been motivated to type.  I have been so busy worrying about trying to maintain weight and trying to lose more.  The holidays came and I hurt my knee and it just threw me right off the train!

I did hire a different trainer and I can see the inches coming off but the weight is maintaining....I can't look at the numbers as I am building all the new muscle!  Slow but steady right?  Other issue is my eating....why can't I stop eating!?  UGGGHHHHHH!

Ok, so the point of the title was the weather!  So it has been winter here....an awful and long winter.  FINALLY we have had a break the last few weeks.  Temperatures ranged from 40-80 degrees within a two week time period.  I have been running outside and LOVING it!

Proud to say that I did run my first 6.1 miles and it was tough!  I ran/walked in 1:27 which I didn't feel was too bad myself!  I did 5 miles the next week in 1:12 i believe.  I really was pretty happy with those results.  I try to alternate a long run with a shorter run the next day.

I did have an MRI on my knee and all came back negative.  With some rest and a $16 brace from target I have been pretty happy with that!  If I have a day where I know I am busy and on my feet alot, I will wear the brace and it has made such a difference!

Ok, that is all I can type for today....Almost 1 month until my 10k and I am still petrified.  Thanks for reading and sorry for not being so dedicated!

~ <3 ~
Me

Starting Over....

I am starting fresh tomorrow!  I plan on running during my lunch.  All i wanna do is 2 miles.  If I can do 3 that'd be awesome.  I may go tonight.  I may just do a Sunday night!  That way I won't feel like I am driving to and from work so many times a day to go to the gym.

That has been the hardest thing for me.  It was so easy to just change up after the kids were in bed and go out running.  I REALLY need a treadmill.  I could run every night and it would be amazing.  I just want a nice used one.  That's all I ask!  Even if someone has one they don't use.  Maybe I could BORROW it until I can save up for my own :)  I really enjoy the treadmill and then I would be in my own home running whenever I want.  After bed time or even during naptime for my kids! 

Well, tomorrow is a new day and I am starting over.  I haven't been eating well and I haven't been working out.  I am so angry with myself.  I have to get back to it!

~ <3 ~
Me

Where oh where has the new me gone?

Oh where oh where could she be!?!?!?!?

Because she has run away and left me here all alone and lost and confused!  COME BAAAAAAAACK!!  Something snapped in me last week and the old lazy fat me made a surprise visit and now she has overstayed her lazy ass welcome.  GO HOME!  Why can't I shake this funk?? 

Part of it could be the winter weather than came and slapped us all in the face.  It got cold...freaking cold!  All I want to do is lay under a blanket and hibernate.  The thing is.....I am not the only one!  Many of my internet supporters and friends are having the same issue!  Last week I ate SO awful....it disgusts me!  I only ran one day :(

Help!  I just need help!  I have been doing so well for the past almost 6 months....I can't fail now!!!

~ <3 ~
Me

Getting Out of A Funk....

A little NSV (Non Scale Victory) from this past weekend!  As the days are becoming colder, I am digging out the warmer clothing.  This shirt I have on used to be so tight I couldn't even stand to have it on.  This year it is becoming "tent-like".  When I say that I mean that they fit to my boobs and literally TENT OUT.  So many of my shirts actually make me look heavier than I really am!

Again, I am not complaining, but I am still wondering what I am going to wear this winter!  My new jeans that are 2 sizes smaller than I used to be are starting to sag off my flattened butt!  Yes, I said flattened.  I don't want a Kardashian butt by any means, but some shape would be nice! :) 

My goal is to start weights.....it scares me because I don't want to lose the momentum I have had going.  Actually I am petrified.  You know me and new things ;)  BUT, I have to do it!  I am almost to that half way point of weight loss and I feel like it's slowing down.  It's partially my fault because I really have been a lazy ass for the past week.  Like REALLY lazy!  It's like the old Me has abducted....well, the new Me!  I want ME back!!!

My eating has been awful, my step counts have been awful.  No exercise.  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!?  I understand I will stumble and go backwards in my progress at times, but this is ridiculous!  I feel sluggish and tired.  I am running tomorrow morning and I am dreading it.  I know once I get moving and once I am done I will feel amazing!!!  It is just squashing that inner old me and telling her to butt the hell out of my life and never come back!

Grrrrr she makes me angry.  SO angry!  Why can't that part of me just die already!?  Leave me alone and let me live my new life.  I really need to figure out why I give in so easily.  Sorry.  This post is turning into this raging depressing read.  I apologize.  I just needed to vent.

I will post again tomorrow after my run and let you all know how it goes!

~ <3 ~
Me

Looking Back.....

This picture won't make sense in the beginning of this post, but somewhere near the middle it should all come together.

So I was talking with a friend of mine today.  She really has been there with me when I was at my lowest point in my life.  But let's rewind for a moment!

I was always a decently happy kid.  Tried to stay positive, always saw the good in everyone and everything.  I tried to anyways :)  I wasn't the most popular kid in school but I wasn't the dorkiest kid either.  I just stayed in the middle and that was ok with me.  People knew who I was but didn't know much about me except for my friends.  I went to college (a local community college) while all of my friends went away to school and enjoyed that "college experience".  I tried to visit when I could. 

I dated guys that were all wrong for me and it affected my schooling.  I met my husband and it all just came together!  It was so easy!  He helped me study and in his words "I graduated from Dental Hygiene school too!"  He did learn a lot with helping me :)

Right out of school I got a part time job at an amazing office.  My Boss was like a friend and family.  I got engaged and decided I needed a full time job if we wanted a house so that I could contribute.  It broke my heart to leave but I had to do it for my FUTURE family!  So I got a full time job quickly and was there through getting married and giving birth to our daughter.  I was 5 months pregnant with our son when my Boss told me he had sold his office to another Dentist.  Hormones probably affected my response MORE than my brain, but I was devastated.  The new Boss and I were not on the same page with many things and I had made up my mind that during my maternity leave I would find another job.

Not soon after that a Doctor hired me, 7 months pregnant, to work at his office.  I was there 3 months before our son was born and it was AMAZING!  I loved the people I worked with and I loved my boss and the environment I was working in!  I came back from maternity leave and THIS my friends is when I can honestly tell you I went a little crazy! (insert crazy smiley face from above)

It was different.  My Boss was different.  I wouldn't get home until 6:30pm on a night I should be home by 5:15pm!  I would get home at 9:00pm on a night I should be home by 7!  I worked there a year with this life and it RUINED me!  I missed dinner every night for a year.  I missed milestones with my children and husband for a year.  I lost out on my LIFE for a year.  I decided to start seeing someone to talk to....maybe it would help?  It did a little, but not enough to change how awful I was feeling.

I didn't want to do anything.  I sat on the couch online all the time, or watched TV all night.  I was there physically, but mentally I had checked out.  I was surrounded by an amazing family, my incredible children, and my supportive and loving husband, but I still felt so alone!  I started going out with friends and staying out until 2-3 in the morning.  It had to stop!  I told myself "You are 30 years old!  Grow up and deal with your shit!".  I was making poor decisions and looking back I am ashamed, but you can't change the past!  You can only learn from it!

I had an amazing job opportunity come up.  Closer to home, great hours, a little less $ hourly but I'd be home more.  I took it and despite my Boss trying to tell me what a rude awakening I'd have going over to this new office, I felt amazing about my decision.  I started my new job (just after breaking my ankle).  My first day working there was it's own therapy.  I came home EARLY!  Our daughter immediately said, as I walked through the door, "Mommy is home for dinner??".  That alone made me know I had made the right decision.

I love my job!  Every place of employment has their ups and downs, and sure some days I go home and think "Why can't I be a lady of leisure?"  But 99.9% of the time I feel like I am "Home".  My fellow employees are amazing and we may have our moments with each other, but when you have 10 women in an office together.....if there ISN'T drama I would be surprised!  My Boss is incredibly supportive and encourages that Family comes before Work.  That is what sold me on taking the job in the first place :)

So, I had been there and all of a sudden I had a falling out with a friend over.....you guessed it....DRAMA!  This friend was with me while I was doing my partying til 2am.  It was shortly after I started my Couch to 5k program.  I thought we had a good friendship but apparently I was wrong.  It is amazing how quickly things can become ugly and hateful in such a short period of time.  Nothing like that had ever happened to me before...I was honestly shocked.  Things were said and things were done to me that will never be forgotten.  It isn't worth the time mentioning it because it's over and done with.  But this would be a HUGE turning point in my "recovery".

The new job helped get me out of my depression.  I say depression because looking back, I know that's what it was.  Losing the negative energy in my life was the final step.  I was looking at what was most important.  Being around and being healthy for my kids, husband and family.  Also, just to ENJOY LIFE!!! 

I look at life in a whole new way now!  With more energy and more appreciation!  Coming back to the beginning of my post.  My best friend and I got to chat today.  Doesn't seem like a big deal, but she recently moved to another country, so the time difference can be tricky, but we make due.  She always is there for me literally through thick and thin (did you catch my weight joke?).  When I was at my lowest point in my life, she stuck by me and was there for me 24/7.  It's just comforting to know through all the chaos that she was always there and didn't run :)  I am also thankful my husband doesn't mind me take the time to connect with her.  We always joke that I am having an affair because every time I am on the phone or texting it is probably her :)

So, after the lowest of lows....I survived.  I turned things around and am always striving for a better life with my amazingly supportive husband, our incredible kids, and my wonderfully supportive family and friends. 

I couldn't imagine what my Mom was going through as she watched me slowly fall away.  She stuck with me and was and always is so supportive.  It has to be hard watching your child spiral out of control and not be able to do anything to help.  So, thank you Mom!  I can say I am doing AWESOME!!! 

Thank you to my husband.  Because of my issues, he was left with practically being a single parent because I had checked out and didn't do ANYTHING.  Words cannot describe the deep love I have for you that will be with me until we are old and grey :).  You are an amazing husband and an even more incredible father.

Thank you to all of you for reading!  I don't know why I felt the need to post this, but I did!  Don't ever be scared to ask for help or to change your life for the better....no matter the circumstances.  If it improves your life and the lives of those around you, it is a great decision!!

~ <3 ~
Me