A Little Barry White??

I know I have been absent from here lately and that is because I have been absent from everything!  My eating healthy and my fitness goals.  I did snag this quick "selfie" today while cleaning.  I am starting to feel more comfortable in my body!

I got on the scale this morning and I did gain 1lb :(  I mean it could have been worse!!  I am still disappointed in myself.  I did decide to go running during my lunch on Mondays.  Just a quick 2 miles so I am not too gross and sweaty when I am done.  They don't have showers at the gym and I can't give myself a sponge bath when I get back to work LoL.  I need to find a good body cleansing cloth that I can use.

So back on topic today.  It gets a little personal, so if you are easily offended or uncomfortable stop reading :)  Now, I don't know about you other ladies....or men for that matter.  When my husband and I first got married, things were amAzing in the passion department.  We had our daughter and things continued going strong.  Always intense and exciting.  Then we hit a wall when our son was born.  Like literally a brick and stone wall....completely solid.  Mind you, our son is 2 1/2 now.  I can honestly say not until the past few months have things started getting back to normal again!

My husband would NEVER tell me anything bad about my weight.  He never looks at other women or comments about their bodies.  Well, except for Carrie Underwood, but that is allowed.  So he never made me feel less than or not good enough.  It was all mental for me.  I was uncomfortable with who I was.  I was uncomfortable in the skin I was in.  I wasn't confident.  I felt awkward.  I felt huge.  I felt fat.  I felt disgusting.  I didn't feel sexy or attractive.  I felt ugly.  My husband never made me feel this way....EVER!   This is how I felt about myself. 

As I am noticing my curvy hips and my favorite.....my clavicle (collar bone), I am feeling beautiful!  I am more confident with my body and what I do with it.  I am sure my husband is appreciative of this too HAHAHAHA.  It has made a HUGE difference in our relationship.  More passion....crazy, right!?  I am not hesitant when we are together.  The excitement is back.  I am excited about being intimate with my husband with this revamped body of mine!

Another huge help has been my friend Yurisa.  We got back in touch through FB.  It had been YEARS since we ever talked.  BFB4L Yo (She'll understand what that means).  ANYWAY!  She has really gotten me into trying different types of clothing and even more recently things to do with makeup.  My beauty guru.  When I put the time in (when i have the time) it knocks that confidence through the roof.  Her support through our friendship has been immense, but her newest tips have really helped put the icing on the cake so to say.  Thanks girl!

Some people who are heavier MAY be comfortable in their skin.  To them I say I am happy for you and good for you all.  It just wasn't for me!  I am enjoying the new me, and my husband might be too!  HAHA.  In regards to the title about Barry White....it's an inside joke with my family that if you hear Barry White playing don't come barging in because things MIGHT be going on LoL  I love my family :)  So, in conclusion (I now feel like I am finalizing my English paper for school) if you are comfortable and confident in the skin you are in, congrats and much love to you.  If you are not, there is always room for self improvement.  Just be sure to do it for yourself and not for someone else.  Who cares what everyone else thinks.  It is about how you feel about yourself and the way you look!

~ <3 ~
Me

Where oh where has the new me gone?

Oh where oh where could she be!?!?!?!?

Because she has run away and left me here all alone and lost and confused!  COME BAAAAAAAACK!!  Something snapped in me last week and the old lazy fat me made a surprise visit and now she has overstayed her lazy ass welcome.  GO HOME!  Why can't I shake this funk?? 

Part of it could be the winter weather than came and slapped us all in the face.  It got cold...freaking cold!  All I want to do is lay under a blanket and hibernate.  The thing is.....I am not the only one!  Many of my internet supporters and friends are having the same issue!  Last week I ate SO awful....it disgusts me!  I only ran one day :(

Help!  I just need help!  I have been doing so well for the past almost 6 months....I can't fail now!!!

~ <3 ~
Me

It felt a-MA-zing!

Running that is!  I burned so many extra calories this morning because I chose to do the "Hill" program on the treadmill.  I chose to do level 5 out of 20 and WOW am I glad I didn't go higher than that :) 

I decided my body needed a change up.  Running 4 miles on a treadmill is easy when you are running flat with no obstacles right!?  I start at a 0 and go to 2.1, 3.4, 4.7.  HOLY SHMOLY!   It actually was easier when I ran faster!  I pushed 5.2mph running uphill and bumped it down to 4.9/5.0 when at 0.  I was SO exhausted that I only made it to 3 miles LoL.  I then did a run/walk combo for that final mile.  I had to finish that 4 miles today some how!  I got at 3.9 and then i broke out into a sprint!  I was seriously burning rubber off my shoes I was going so fast!  It felt amazing and it was JUST what I needed!

I really was starting to freak out last week for fear of a relapse into my old ways, but I did it and I am back!  I did not do my 30DS last night.....I have to do something!  I'll figure it out somehow :) 

As a side note, my daughter starts her dance class this Friday!  She is so excited and I am excited for her!  I will keep you posted!

Ok, I am out of here for a very busy day!  Gotta get in all of my steps! :)

~ <3 ~
Me

Getting Out of A Funk....

A little NSV (Non Scale Victory) from this past weekend!  As the days are becoming colder, I am digging out the warmer clothing.  This shirt I have on used to be so tight I couldn't even stand to have it on.  This year it is becoming "tent-like".  When I say that I mean that they fit to my boobs and literally TENT OUT.  So many of my shirts actually make me look heavier than I really am!

Again, I am not complaining, but I am still wondering what I am going to wear this winter!  My new jeans that are 2 sizes smaller than I used to be are starting to sag off my flattened butt!  Yes, I said flattened.  I don't want a Kardashian butt by any means, but some shape would be nice! :) 

My goal is to start weights.....it scares me because I don't want to lose the momentum I have had going.  Actually I am petrified.  You know me and new things ;)  BUT, I have to do it!  I am almost to that half way point of weight loss and I feel like it's slowing down.  It's partially my fault because I really have been a lazy ass for the past week.  Like REALLY lazy!  It's like the old Me has abducted....well, the new Me!  I want ME back!!!

My eating has been awful, my step counts have been awful.  No exercise.  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!?  I understand I will stumble and go backwards in my progress at times, but this is ridiculous!  I feel sluggish and tired.  I am running tomorrow morning and I am dreading it.  I know once I get moving and once I am done I will feel amazing!!!  It is just squashing that inner old me and telling her to butt the hell out of my life and never come back!

Grrrrr she makes me angry.  SO angry!  Why can't that part of me just die already!?  Leave me alone and let me live my new life.  I really need to figure out why I give in so easily.  Sorry.  This post is turning into this raging depressing read.  I apologize.  I just needed to vent.

I will post again tomorrow after my run and let you all know how it goes!

~ <3 ~
Me

Support Systems

It is motivational Tuesday for me!  I am trying to find some push to get my ass moving.

Today's topic I really wanted to post something about support systems.  I have said before that you won't make life changes until you are ready.  Until every aspect of your life is ready.  That includes a  strong and steady support system.

If you don't have a strong support system, the people around you can sabotage all efforts to improve your life.  All is takes is one negative nelly to ruin your efforts.  Especially in the beginning!  For me, I am still weak.  I have only been at this for 5 months and I am STILL weak!  It takes a brief second for me to cram a cookie in my mouth.  To have that extra scoop of pasta.  To eat that extra slice of bread.

I still have people say "Oh just have one", "If you have a little it won't matter".  What they don't realize is that ONE or that LITTLE bit can ruin me!  In a brief moment of weakness I can cave and THAT snowballs for the rest of my day!  I know not all people realize this, but when I say no.....I mean NO!  Stop offering me snacks KNOWING I can't have them.  Stop egging me on to eat that one tiny bite when you know I can't do it.

If your support system that surrounds you just can't accept the fact that you are changing your lifestyle and trying to improve your life.  You need to sit them down and put it all out there.  Tell them that you need their support and encouragement.  That when you don't eat a certain thing, or don't have that piece of cake; there is a reason!  If they choose to laugh or make light of your decisions....screw them!  They are selfish and you don't need to put up with their crap.  You also don't have the time!!

You need to surround yourself with people who when you decide to MAKE that change, will support you 100%!  When you go to grab that cookie or eat a piece of cake they will have no hesitation speaking up because you asked them to.  They will tell you "It's ok.  You can do it tomorrow".  They will congratulate you when you've done well and they will lift you up when you are feeling down.

I have many support systems.  My husband and kids, my parents (hearing them say how proud they are of me makes me want this even more), family, friends (all of my readers and friends who post supportive comments here and on Facebook).  I also have my online support system.  My My Fitness Pal friends are amazing!  When I have a bad day they help me see why and what NOT to do tomorrow.  My fellow co-workers for the most part are very understanding.  Every once and awhile people offer me food when I am not asking for it.  They will learn :) 

My one co-worker and I (I feel) have grown closer through our lifestyle changes together.  We compare our steps everyday.  We look at each others online food journals.  She really has been a motivator (she has lost a TON of weight) and such a support system for me!  Thanks Eva!  You have been wonderful!  Thank goodness I love my job so that I never leave.  We shall be healthy forever :)

So, thank you to MY support system.  You keep me going when I don't feel like I can, and you are always there through the "thick and thin" of my journey.  Love to you all and thank you!!!

~ <3 ~
Me

Another 5k On The Books

Well, I finished another 5k today!  My Mom ran with me today and MAN is she fast!!  I keep telling her she hustled me with her running time :)

I finished at my personal best of 35:15 (per them) and 35:13 per my Garmin GPS watch.  I had a hard time!  It was a very steep downhill run right off the bat and then the last 1.5 miles was mostly uphill!  I was exhausted, but it kept me going to see my Mom out there in front!

I didn't run Friday which actually put me in a funk the rest of the weekend with my eating!  I was feeling down about not running and I ate through my emotions. 

I felt great today!  I started out a little too fast and had to slow down and pace myself a little more.  I still went faster than my other 5k (obviously).  I got near the finish and my Dad came out to high five us.  I passed him and put it in high gear!  I sprinted to the finish to make sure I beat my time.  When i kicked into sprint mode I chuckled as I heard someone say "Oh my Gosh!"  I mean I was really flying!!

I loved that the race was so early in the morning!  I had the whole rest of the day to enjoy and be outside with our kids!  I guess I don't have much to type!  My brain is kind of empty right now!  OH!  I placed 9th in my division out of 16.  Kind of in the middle there :)  I placed 138 out of I think 212?  That made me happy!  Ok my friends.  Thank you for reading and have an amazing Sunday!!

~ <3 ~
Me

Looking Back.....

This picture won't make sense in the beginning of this post, but somewhere near the middle it should all come together.

So I was talking with a friend of mine today.  She really has been there with me when I was at my lowest point in my life.  But let's rewind for a moment!

I was always a decently happy kid.  Tried to stay positive, always saw the good in everyone and everything.  I tried to anyways :)  I wasn't the most popular kid in school but I wasn't the dorkiest kid either.  I just stayed in the middle and that was ok with me.  People knew who I was but didn't know much about me except for my friends.  I went to college (a local community college) while all of my friends went away to school and enjoyed that "college experience".  I tried to visit when I could. 

I dated guys that were all wrong for me and it affected my schooling.  I met my husband and it all just came together!  It was so easy!  He helped me study and in his words "I graduated from Dental Hygiene school too!"  He did learn a lot with helping me :)

Right out of school I got a part time job at an amazing office.  My Boss was like a friend and family.  I got engaged and decided I needed a full time job if we wanted a house so that I could contribute.  It broke my heart to leave but I had to do it for my FUTURE family!  So I got a full time job quickly and was there through getting married and giving birth to our daughter.  I was 5 months pregnant with our son when my Boss told me he had sold his office to another Dentist.  Hormones probably affected my response MORE than my brain, but I was devastated.  The new Boss and I were not on the same page with many things and I had made up my mind that during my maternity leave I would find another job.

Not soon after that a Doctor hired me, 7 months pregnant, to work at his office.  I was there 3 months before our son was born and it was AMAZING!  I loved the people I worked with and I loved my boss and the environment I was working in!  I came back from maternity leave and THIS my friends is when I can honestly tell you I went a little crazy! (insert crazy smiley face from above)

It was different.  My Boss was different.  I wouldn't get home until 6:30pm on a night I should be home by 5:15pm!  I would get home at 9:00pm on a night I should be home by 7!  I worked there a year with this life and it RUINED me!  I missed dinner every night for a year.  I missed milestones with my children and husband for a year.  I lost out on my LIFE for a year.  I decided to start seeing someone to talk to....maybe it would help?  It did a little, but not enough to change how awful I was feeling.

I didn't want to do anything.  I sat on the couch online all the time, or watched TV all night.  I was there physically, but mentally I had checked out.  I was surrounded by an amazing family, my incredible children, and my supportive and loving husband, but I still felt so alone!  I started going out with friends and staying out until 2-3 in the morning.  It had to stop!  I told myself "You are 30 years old!  Grow up and deal with your shit!".  I was making poor decisions and looking back I am ashamed, but you can't change the past!  You can only learn from it!

I had an amazing job opportunity come up.  Closer to home, great hours, a little less $ hourly but I'd be home more.  I took it and despite my Boss trying to tell me what a rude awakening I'd have going over to this new office, I felt amazing about my decision.  I started my new job (just after breaking my ankle).  My first day working there was it's own therapy.  I came home EARLY!  Our daughter immediately said, as I walked through the door, "Mommy is home for dinner??".  That alone made me know I had made the right decision.

I love my job!  Every place of employment has their ups and downs, and sure some days I go home and think "Why can't I be a lady of leisure?"  But 99.9% of the time I feel like I am "Home".  My fellow employees are amazing and we may have our moments with each other, but when you have 10 women in an office together.....if there ISN'T drama I would be surprised!  My Boss is incredibly supportive and encourages that Family comes before Work.  That is what sold me on taking the job in the first place :)

So, I had been there and all of a sudden I had a falling out with a friend over.....you guessed it....DRAMA!  This friend was with me while I was doing my partying til 2am.  It was shortly after I started my Couch to 5k program.  I thought we had a good friendship but apparently I was wrong.  It is amazing how quickly things can become ugly and hateful in such a short period of time.  Nothing like that had ever happened to me before...I was honestly shocked.  Things were said and things were done to me that will never be forgotten.  It isn't worth the time mentioning it because it's over and done with.  But this would be a HUGE turning point in my "recovery".

The new job helped get me out of my depression.  I say depression because looking back, I know that's what it was.  Losing the negative energy in my life was the final step.  I was looking at what was most important.  Being around and being healthy for my kids, husband and family.  Also, just to ENJOY LIFE!!! 

I look at life in a whole new way now!  With more energy and more appreciation!  Coming back to the beginning of my post.  My best friend and I got to chat today.  Doesn't seem like a big deal, but she recently moved to another country, so the time difference can be tricky, but we make due.  She always is there for me literally through thick and thin (did you catch my weight joke?).  When I was at my lowest point in my life, she stuck by me and was there for me 24/7.  It's just comforting to know through all the chaos that she was always there and didn't run :)  I am also thankful my husband doesn't mind me take the time to connect with her.  We always joke that I am having an affair because every time I am on the phone or texting it is probably her :)

So, after the lowest of lows....I survived.  I turned things around and am always striving for a better life with my amazingly supportive husband, our incredible kids, and my wonderfully supportive family and friends. 

I couldn't imagine what my Mom was going through as she watched me slowly fall away.  She stuck with me and was and always is so supportive.  It has to be hard watching your child spiral out of control and not be able to do anything to help.  So, thank you Mom!  I can say I am doing AWESOME!!! 

Thank you to my husband.  Because of my issues, he was left with practically being a single parent because I had checked out and didn't do ANYTHING.  Words cannot describe the deep love I have for you that will be with me until we are old and grey :).  You are an amazing husband and an even more incredible father.

Thank you to all of you for reading!  I don't know why I felt the need to post this, but I did!  Don't ever be scared to ask for help or to change your life for the better....no matter the circumstances.  If it improves your life and the lives of those around you, it is a great decision!!

~ <3 ~
Me

My New Addiction

Hello....My name is Beth and I'm addicted to fitness :)

Now 203lb Beth would laugh at this. "There is no way I would ever do that."  "There is no way I'd stick with it."  "I'd fail."  IN YOUR FACE UNHEALTHY ME!!

I am doing it and I love it!  I'm not trying to beat a certain time or be competitive with it. I really am enjoying running!!  The eating is still, and I have a feeling will always be, a hard thing to battle. I found myself sitting on the couch wishing we had a treadmill so I could bust a run and watch tv. It's like I NEEDED the high! 

I went to the gym and ran. We'll tried to run all that salt and bloat out of my body from over the weekend.  Uggghhh slowly but surely. I am realizing that the first mile is hard. But the second mile is the toughest one!  Then to get to 4 miles is like nothing!  I am sure I could do more than that but with my next 5k on Sunday I didn't want to push myself. I feel amazing!!!  It's this natural high that just makes everything around you better :)

I really do need to start working with weights. I've tried 30DS and just couldn't stick with it. I need to get some heavier weights so I can do it too. Baby steps I say but yet I never get started!  My floppy arms are becoming more noticeable and it's freaking me out!  I have all winter to work on it I guess. BUT I have to start now!!

Well I have a busy day ahead so I had better get busy!  Have a super Wednesday everyone!!!

~ <3 ~

Me

Feeling Like A Blowfish

This is how I am feeling today!  After a crazy busy weekend of fun and food, THIS is how I am left to feel.  We had a yummy spaghetti dinner last night with garlic bread.  The indigestion I had from it kept me up all night.  I woke up this morning feeling so sick!  I had to go in later to work today and knew I had time to go running and was DREADING it! 

However, I packed my stuff, took the kids to their sitter and headed to the gym super early in the morning.  I got to see the sun rise while I was running...kind of neat :)  So I start running and think to myself "2 miles is all I am going to be able to do....I feel like my stomach is going to explode upward or downward and I don't want to be in public when that happens."  You know what I did?  I took my "sweat towel" and draped it over the read out screen on the treadmill and just kept looking out the window.  I wipe my face and notice I have already gone a mile!  "What's one more"  I am there already right?  May as well make it worth it!  I look down again and see 2.5 miles.  "Well I guess I will go to 3.1...I am almost there."  I hit 3.0....feeling a little sick to my stomach I scream at myself "It's only one more mile you pansy!"  So I kept going.  I walked for maybe 1 minute and then when I hit 3.95 I slowed down to walk out the end of my run.

I felt great.  I still feel a little nauseous and have some stomach cramping, but it is AMAZING how something like food can wreck you like that!  One thing I have learned is that my body is used to how I have been eating.  Lots of protein, fruits, healthy snacks.  SO, when I do cheat or have a little too much of something I pay for it!  I don't like it!  When it's there I have no self control.  This weekend made me realize that. 

My biggest fear right now is the holidays coming up!  I need to start plotting my meals now!  We eat with two families usually each day.  I need to make sure I enter my food ahead of time on My Fitness Pal so that I don't stray.  When I plan it out, it makes it so much easier to stick with it!

I have my second 5k this coming Sunday.  My Mom is running it with me which I am so excited about!  She hasn't been feeling well and has been fighting this nasty cough, so she is hoping she will be able to run it with me!  I am nervous yet again.  I am more than sure there are some BIG hills I will be running on, but I am excited also!  I may get to meet one of my MFP (My Fitness Pal) friends there as she will be running as well!  After that 5k I will be done with them until the spring while I continue my running all winter long!

Well, thanks for reading!  I really have been slacking on writing, but things have been busy here!  Never a dull moment in the life of a Mommy right!?  Everyone have an AMAZING Monday!  Make your goals for the week and stick with them!  Anything is possible!

~ <3 ~
Me

Veering Off Topic

So I know I am using this blog as a way to document my new healthy lifestyle.  But what better time to talk about a huge supporter in my life.  My husband!  This was maybe after 4 years of dating.  He and I have been together almost 11 years this year and I couldn't imagine it any other way!

He is so supportive of my new lifestyle!  Our family grew quickly after we got married.

 On our wedding day in 2008














Our first family Christmas picture in 2009
 














 
 Our picture from 2011 (my highest weight to date topping over 200lbs)

Our most recent shot from 2012


Ok, so bad on track to my healthy lifestyle for a brief period of time today!  I went to the gym yet again!  I am really loving it!!

I ran 4.13 miles and it felt great.  It really is much easier to run on the treadmill.  No issues with the streets or sidewalks.  I can honestly say that I am LESS anxious at the gym than running outside.  I am always paranoid about who is around me or driving by.  I don't have to worry about the gym.  I am in my own little world!

I am really enjoying it and I can't wait to weigh in next week and see how I am doing.

Ok, so anywho!  I love my amazing husband!  We have had our ups and downs and I know it will continue on throughout our life together.  But as days go on we become closer and more connected.  I couldn't imagine it any other way.  I love you!!!!

~ <3 ~
Me

Time to Check In

Oh yes my friends!  I am back!  I had a bit of a slump and today was my turning point!  I really beat through some anxiety today and I'm glad I did.  I packed my work out clothes and took them to work.  I figured if it was nice enough I would run outside in the neighborhoods around work.  If it was nasty out, I would get my ass to the gym.  Well the temperature was and is amazing, but it looked like a storm coming in.  I changed, got in my car and drove to the gym.

The parking lot was so busy.....fear #1: a lot of people staring and watching me look like an idiot.  I walked in and NO ONE!  It must have been all the men in the back on the weights.  I found myself a treadmill in front of a T.V that had ESPN on it....something neutral and entertaining to keep my interest, but I didn't have to think much :)  Fear #2: Oh crap what if I fall off this thing!?  (By the way....that didn't happen)

So I recently downloaded The 20/20 Experience 2 of 2.  I have been wanting to really listen to it and now was my chance.  I start blasting my JT and just RAN!  It took a lot not to look at the screen to see how far I've gone and how much time had gone by, but I did it!!

 So, off I went.  Running my butt off (or so I am hoping) :)  People come and go in the gym.  Cars drive by.  I watch the main road as the cars and trucks drive passed.  A Budweiser truck was stocking a bar....I would be lying if THAT didn't sound amazing while I was running :)  A group of buff dudes came in barely able to put their arms at their sides HaHaHa.  I kept it up!  Even when the twiggy girl started running right next to me....REALLY WOMAN!?  Of all the treadmills they have here you HAVE to pick the one next to me???  Ugghhhh!!!  Anywho,  I saw I was half way there at 2 miles and thought to myself "this was easy!  You can do more than this!"  So I put it in my mind that 4.0 miles was where I would stop today.  I got to about 3.8 and started to slow down.  At 3.9 I started a brisk cool down walk.  At 4.0 I stopped.  I couldn't believe it!  I was REVVED!  I got off the treadmill and went to collect my keys and out the door I went.

For my next gym visit, I do need to remember a towel next time.  My running tanks only help so much when I wipe my face off.....WHEW! I really do feel amazing!  When I am running I can get so much shit cleared out of my head!  I run through it all and when I am done my head feels better and I am so much less stressed.  I came home and stepped on the scale before I cleaned up and BAM!  Another pound lost!  My weight loss ticker is to the right down there ----->>>>>

I couldn't believe it!  I have been eating 1600 calories fairly regularly.  Not the best choices some days, but the one consistent thing is my protein intake.  I have been eating these AMAZING chiken pita sandwhiches with a sundried tomato hummus.  WOOOOOW.  They are incredible!  I love it!  I also have been eating a lot of low cal greek yogurt too.  I still am weak and don't know how to eat "properly" but I am trying.  I am hoping after a year I will have this food thing down and it won't be so hard to maintain and stick with.  I am sure it will always be an inner battle, but I hope it gets easier!

As a side note, this new JT album is kick ass.  Favorite tune hands down is "Drink You Away"  Amazing and a great beat to jog to!

Thanks for reading (those of you who do) and I am trying to keep up with this and track my progress!  Thanks to you all!  Enjoy the rest of the week my friends!

~ <3 ~
Me