Love - Hate Relationships and Feeling Disappointed

 I have a love-hate relationship with THAT GUY right there......Maybe it's a girl because she is a real bitch!  I told my trainer that I needed a break from the 6 mile elliptical training I do Wednesdays.  I say "What is something you would recommend?".  You think I would know better than to ask because he says "The hardest thing....stair machine!  Would I say anything different?" 

I am so exchausted!  I did 20 minutes today on a level 5 and thought i was going to DIE!  I was dripping sweat and my heart rate was at race pace MOST of the time!  It was an amazing work out!  I am beat and couldn't believe that I burned more calories in 20 minutes than in over an hour on the elliptical.  WOW!

I feel bad for my trainer....I am still in such a weird place right now.  Something doesn't feel right in my body.  I am going to see my OB tomorrow and check for any hormone changes because I am having AWFUL mood swings.  Both my Mom and her Mom started into menopause at a VERY young age, so I want to make sure my body isn't goin crazy!!

OH!  There is my heart rate chart from my monitor that I wore while on the step machine.....that thing is the debil :)

Ok, off topic but here we go.  SO I always see these amazing progress photos from Tommy's other clients and they are AMAZING!  Like just 3 months have gone by and they are so toned and have this muscle definition.  It's INSANE!

I feel like I.....not that I make him look bad, because if I am not doing what he tells me to do, then that is my fault and it makes ME look bad.  But I feel like I am totally disappointing him because I have no visual progress (at least I feel like I can't see it).  I want change!  I want that healthy life and amazing body to go with it! 

WHAT THE HELL IS MY PROBLEM!  I deserve it!  I want it!  I need it!  Why am I sabotaging myself....why can't I just do it already!????

I am so frustrated and disappointed.  I am maintaining my weight loss and am proud of what I have accomplished so far but......seriously.......ugggghhhhh........I am just angry and frustrated and aggravated and mad and.......exhausted.  Just exhausted :(

~ <3 ~
Me

Holiday Exhaustion

***BE PREPARED!  This entry is long, jumbled, and not so focused on the journey as it is a venting post.  Read with caution!***

I enjoy the long holidays/summer vacations because it gets me away from the daily grind of work.  HOWEVER, it also causes me to stray from my routine because I am so busy with my family that I don't have that designated "Me Time" to go running or work out.

I have had an amazing weekend with my family though.  Fireworks with the kids, my niece had her first birthday party, we took the kids to play some putt putt for the first time ever, and we did a lot of longing by the fire and drinking.  Lot's of enjoyable times!

I need to start making a list of things I need to accomplish on a daily level.  I sometimes get overwhelmed in my mind and then I don't get anything done!  Yes, things as simple as laundry or vacuuming are all on this list.  It makes it easier to prioritize and organize my thoughts.  I get distracted very easily.  After this crazy weekend I still have things to get done.  However my most exciting moment was my husband hanging a clothes line for me.  Simple yet exciting.  I love hanging the laundry to dry!!

SO, back on track.  I decided to start training for a half marathon......I was supposed to start Friday.....aaaaaand I haven't started yet.  I am having a hard time putting it together with my "training homework" that I am trying to maintain every other day.  This has also left me somewhat overwhelmed.  I feel like I have so much on my plate to do towards this new goal and I don't know where to plot it all out.

I have been a RAGING bitch the past 2 weeks.  I haven't known why, I just have had so much pent up frustration that I wanted to punch something!  I kept saying "It's not my period because I just got that like a week ago!"  Low and behold BAM there it starts.  I can honestly say I am a more emotional and depressed PMS-er but I was the raving BITCH PMS-er this month.  I felt AWFUL!  For my husband, my kids, my co-workers.  Yeah Wow.....it was bad.

Again, off topic, but it really affected my fitness goals!  I didn't do ANYTHING!  My poor trainer!  PT day came and he walked in and I said "I am raging and feel like I should punch someone or something, so let's work it out!"  When I was done it did help a little but I was still cranky.  I still am cranky!

I am just full of positive things right now aren't I!?  Blah!  Ok, I am done sharing, but exhausted and now I will eat pizza for dinner and plan our food for the week.  How I love my crock pot!

Thanks for sticking through this if you did!

~ <3 ~
Me

Time To Face The Food

I feel like that is me telling my daughter "Oh honey....those are yummy.  Mommy has had 20 already!  Do you want to share one more with me?"  It truly is ridiculous.  It is time to.....

FACE THE FOOD!

I seriously need to get this food and eating together already.  I need to focus on a leaner intake and cut down on my carbs and sugars.  I don't eat NEARLY as much as I used to or as poorly as I used to, but I still love my junk.

Hello......my name is Beth......and I am a carb-aholic.  It is awful and I hate it but I love them and they love me and you can't tell me anything otherwise!  Pizza, sandwiches, pastas.  I also am realizing that despite trying to eat better, I still have a higher sugar intake.  Ice cream!  Curse you ice cream!  Slowly but surely I am trying to tweak it without getting overwhelmed so that I stick with it instead of giving up on it.

I am dedicated this week to my fitness routine and planning on sticking with that better (YES including my PT "homework") but I have GOT to get this food thing together because I want to start seeing results faster and the only way I am going to do that is if I discipline myself more and really get to it!

My patient that referred me to my trainer had a series of three photos that she posted online.  Month one, month two and month three. HOLY CRAP!  The muscle definition and tone she has gotten has been incredible!

My friend Yurisa has been with her trainer probably a short while longer than me and has dropped 30lbs and looks amazing. 

OBVIOUSLY I am doing something wrong!  The only thing I am thinking that isn't quite in tune yet is my eating.  I am so frustrated and aggravated today!!!  I just want this all to be done and be fit and just maintain already.  I figure though it took me probably almost 20 years and 2 kids to get to the point I was at.....I know it can't happen over night.

Ugghhh....I just want the day to come where I can't really find a spot that I see on my body and say "ugghhhh I can't wait for that to be tighter/more toned/not so flabby".  I also wish I didn't think this way about my body.  One day I think I look amazing and then I see myself in a picture or just looking in the mirror the next day and think I look huge.  I mean compared to where I was, I look and feel amazing, but I am not there yet.  I have SUCH a far way to go.

HOW MUCH LONGER!?  Probably not as long if I just face the food, listen to my amazing trainer, and just get shit done already!!!!

~ <3 ~
Me